Despite my initial statement on the first ever page of this site, I have scaled back on one thing: I will not publish the whole artwork. The reason? Just because there are many personal photos of friends and family, and while none is compromising (actually, there is one of me that may be, in a way….), I don’t feel I can publish that on a public place without authorisations. Yet, I was proud of the artwork. So I will post the pages that don’t have people.
Bear with me in terms of quality. It was a project I had to prove myself I could do, but obviously it’s amateur!
I am going to edit what was written a couple of months ago below, I know the risk is to comment on the commentary, as meta stuff is my wont. But yeah, I’ll put the music on first, and the story behind the songs after. Rather than put song then commentary each time. Editorial choice, innit? And yes, with 20 years of hindsight, there’s a lot of the lyrics I’m not happy with. You could say there is poetic licence anyway, but I’ve learned also a lot more about people’s choices, mental health, and if anything I’m even more understanding of a lot of shit in other people’s lives. Too understanding perhaps, but that’s OK, as long as it doesn’t affect my own wellbeing…I’ve learnt to cope to a large extent. I had the vague idea of running that page in particular through someone’s ‘what’s acceptable’ filter, but I can make my own choices, and as this site has become also an exercice in expression…I feel fine with what I write, it’s not meant as an artistic piece, or to have a very targetted aim.
So the music first:
1. Gone Away
2. Meet & Break
3. Waltz for Life
4. Rêveil
5. Smile!
6. The Protected Room
7. Icarus
8. Every Other Day
9. Don’t Waste my Day.
10. Let Faith come to You.
11. Last Day in Marcoussis.
Some of the Artwork.
Now for the waffle.
May 2002. Holidays. I decided to go to the Pyrénées with instruments to create and record music properly. In the end it took over another year, buying a new guitar (I went with the idea of buying a Telecaster and came back with a Rickenbacker) to finish the project. I think I essentially re-recorded everything once I got the new guitar the following year, I’m not even sure there is any original stuff from 2002 left in the versions below. Thankfully I had pretty much recorded all the settings and in fact written the music down (after creation), so it was quite a substantial amount of work I put into that! I will post a sample photo of the transcription.
Some of the sleeve notes I am not happy with, so will amend if only on those pages as I have the original scans but not the original whatever software I used to transcribe the lyrics.
Looking back at notes, I had put everything into portées and such, all the settings, I really did an amazing amount of work…..
But yes it was interesting for the recording process, selecting a running order, and the ‘artwork’ creation.
Anyway, just a few notes on the individual songs and the creation process.
Note that I was going away from the biggest mental crash/destruction of self you can imagine (well trust me you probably can’t), so some of the lyrics were about that, though the next 20 years showed they were a little too anticipative rather than anchored in the then reality. But then, that’s hope for you.
Also I can’t remember in what order I created the songs, though I think ‘nailing’ the TPR solo was probably the last bit. In my mind it was, anyway.
Gone Away
Not very happy with that one musically (my singing is dour, it doesn’t help), it is a bit boring.
The ‘you’ isn’t really anyone there, but as through a few of these songs, there is a you/me duality. In a way, this was an opening statement about trying to fix myself (which I did but not fully until 2022/2023 after all, or is that a process that never finishes anyway?).
Photo: fort du Dellec (Brest)
Meet&Break
The idea for the lyrics came during my treks in the Pyrénées that year. Can’t remember at which mountain car park (I think it was on my way to Col Mitja), it was early, not many people around, but there was a couple there. And you know what? I have no recollection of whether they were arguing, just preparing for a trek or whatnot. But it triggered a reflection on couples for me, that they sometimes work amd sometimes don’t, and that maybe for some it seems normal and natural that things don’t always work. So yeah, this is a bit about mountain hiking and future hopes laced with uncertainty.
Photos taken in the Pyrénées that year.
Waltz for Life (looking at many notes and tapes, it was initially called ‘Only Life Matters’).
The waltz motif came from a very old demo (probably when I had my brief first true foray into making music in 1991-1992 or so), so I built around it, added guitars, and decided this could fit with a kind of spoken rather than sung lyrics. Think Mike Skinner for my inspiration. In fact you can guarantee I used bird (cringeworthy) rather than girl because of the Streets. The delivery of that line was 100% inspired by him!
Photos from family essentially as it dawned on me how, for all the problems (and I didn’t know most until 10 years later) I was lucky to have them. There’s a line about that in the lyrics too. Also the idea (uncertain at the time), that I didn’t actually need any sort of pills to survive. I could expand on that now after more experiences, and the not quite settled debate within myself at the moment: do I have to do things the hard way? Do pills have an effect at all when I’m OK?
(plus another beautiful hopeful day in the Pyrenees).
And yeah ‘it’s raining today’ line wasn’t a gloomy thing. Just literally what happened when I started writing the lyrics to this song, so I had to stay in rather than go hiking that day,
Rêveil.
My attempt to write lyrics in French which I was so uncomfortable with I didn’t even include them in the booklet. Singing sounds like a bad wail too. So not a great song, but I wanted to try French… Although I think I like most of the sounds and music on that, even if the guitar ‘solo’ is a bit laboured and I don’t know why I was so obsessed with using the wah-wah on some songs. The music would benefit from being trimmed down like on many of the songs here. Another drawback to all these layers added is that some of the keyboard layers (that were put firar) are not well heard.
It is somehow absurd, in a way it is because I felt I was baring my soul when singing (speaking) in French but of course it is all bollocks: I am baring it just as much and as truthfully in English, but it is just that personal feeling that English acts as a protective barrier for me. Possibly less true now, but one of the problems of bilinguism and having mostly voluntarily changed my conscious thoughts from French to English in 1996 when temporarily moving to study at Aston.
The lyrics themselves are more about the times preceding the crash. Annoyed by one line that seems to attach blame, as I never felt anyone but me was to blame (until now I realise, ‘blame’ is wrong anyway). Very much an introvert’s song and lyrics. I’m very proud of the title itself. That mix of awakening and dreaming, condensed in one word. Very me that. Forever the dreamer trying to keep his feet on the ground (see Twilight Dream also in the EP section).
Smile!
Probably one of my favourite song lyrics. I quite like the music, but again, what about the wah? Based on a real encounter in a bar with Andy P. Can’t remember which bar of course (possibly the Vth?). He was just chatting to a girl, and somehow I don’t know, I suppose I wasn’t such a happy camper those days on occasion). Now I understand why people often felt I was sad, there was somwthing terribly sad in me and I never knew why (still not sure to be honest but what matters is now). So yeah out of nothing she suddenly told me something along the lines of ‘Smile! You’ve got a beautiful face!’. Which was a shock to me. Also felt she was nearly crying out of frustration at me when she said it. Other lyrics are totally unrelated but it is about my difficulty to connect or fear to connect, fear of having too much power in my eyes if I tried to reach someone. Basically, I’ve wasted a lot of my life not being confident enough, despite everything showing that I had more qualities I realised, even for just communicating with people. And the end is my usual trying to turn the narrative on its head, find a positive and wanting to make others happy. Photos are of happy moments for the artwork. Yeah, I really like it.
The Protected Room
The centre piece (and took a lof of effort, in some ways it was the most difficult one to make here), and apart from the fact that some of the subtle keyboards variations are a bit lost in the mix and abundance of layers, and the ‘scream’ I didn’t nail right as thankfully I was not in that state, and also recording in a flat…. I am very proud of it, especially as someone who can’t really play the guitar, finalising the middle solo felt great.
This is obviously the most intense and sadly accurate song about probably the most horrible night (or was it day?) of my life. There is obviously one bit of lyrics I’d like to change, because while it is the only way I felt I could express the polar opposites, ‘whore’ is both incorrect and not the way I felt. More like the devil, but the sound didn’t fit. I know ‘retard’ is politically incorrect but that was exactly how I felt.
I used negative for photos as well as the originals, because that identity crisis was exactly what it felt: the same image can appear one way or completely the opposite way.
For the record on the crashed cars, one was totally my fault, the other totally not (and I mean really. Most of the time I feel torts are partagés, but in both these cases no).
On another side-autobiographical note, I put that big joint photo because a joint was a trigger at some point, but it was just that, a trigger. So during recovery over a yead and a half later, I had a joint just to prove myself I could. Risky (or downright fucking irresponible even)? Depends where you stand, but in the end I was right on this not being an automatic factor. I have long since stopped, it has never done me any good, and I am not even tempted when occasionally offered one, haven’t for well over ten years).
Icarus.
The genesis of this one is different. While at ENSTB some mates of mine were trying to start a band and invited me to join and play the keyboards. I wasn’t confident enough but at some point got some encouragement when putting some synth waves on a song in progress. I can’t say it was the exact riff but I think more or less the initial guitar motif was a Flag (Olivier G) creation. I built the entire song around it, but yes it is essentially mine in the end I guess. This one is far more abstract in lyrics so a welcome departure from the intensity of the previous song (looking now I think I really put a lot of thought in the album’s running order!). It’s about soaring again towards the sky and the danger of…well the title says it all. Again with a positive twist at the end. I felt this photo taken in Morecombe was perfect for it.
Every Other Day.
In hindsight, this is a song about bipolarity, albeit a rapidly cycling one driven by other people’s reaction. Take that B word with a pinch of salt there, but I’ve always been prone to having my moods follow events or other people’s reaction, and there have been lots of sequences when I’ve felt good one day, bad the next, good again, bad, etc. But it doesn’t really depend on other people’s actions, although yes, some people seem to blow hot and cold and I’m particularly sensitive to that. I’m always kind of looking to at least a certain level of consistency when dealing with individuals (despite my own occasional inconsistencies), but I now realise that my own certainties should never depend on someone else’s actions. Or not too much anyway, we’re human. But yeah, so the lyrics probably say at least as much about me as they do about someone else’s perceived inconsistency. I quite like the music, again, it’s got a positive vibe.
Don’t Waste My Day.
Just trying to get a rhythm going, with a change of pace after a while. It’s a little heavier on the guitar, but I don’t think it works very well. You can tell by the photos that is is a bit random like leftovers. Lyrics not great either but it’s another song about recovery really.
Let Faith Come to You.
Trying something different with gradual building and change of pace. Doesn’t quite work either. Possibly inspired by some ‘Forever’ live improvisations from The Cure? Titles are basically words my nephew Emmanuel told me when I was sort of mid crisis (but before the worst) on NYE 2001 (so leading to 2022, I’m forever confused about which year to tag with NYEs…). Feels a but too religious to have the word ‘faith’ in it but then in a way same as The Cure. It is more about my understanding also much later and still now that for some reason in my life, while I must find the right balance to avoid falling into too much passivity, things have often come to me when I take my time, day by day, stick to my line, what I truly believe in, and let things happen rather than force them.
Last Day in Marcoussis.
To finish with a happy song. Lyrics completely rooted in reality and my own reflections.
Before the crisis I had already started to take the steps to change jobs. So that was something to hold onto when returning to work (hell I only had barely a week off work on top of my normal holidays? Quite frankly, it is literally mental when you think of it -but only I really know…). Anyway. The next few months at work, I finished what I had to do, did the tasks I set myself (whether they were useful or not is a different question…but I was afforded the liberty). I was staying in the company and changing sites, and one of the last things I did in the old site was take part in the ‘fête du site’ (even won the football tournament though I got a nasty gash in a leg following a bad tackle in the final). The photos there are from the fête du site and from my leaving do (in common with a couple of other people), some very happy days. On my last day there, I went to say goodbye to everyone in the building, and left a note to those who weren’t there.
I felt a lot of love coming my way and it was truly incredible and made me cry.
The other part of the lyrics came when driving back from Paris one night (at the time I hadn’t had a drink for a long time (see Lia lyrics in EP section) so I’d drive to Paris rather than take the train), I felt so happy and remembered all the times I thought in the past ‘well I am happy, I could die now, it would be perfect’, and now realised, no, I actually want to live some more.
Laetitia gets the dedication because she really was a positive and encouraging person for me around that time. We lost track a few years later, which is a shame.
Musically yes someone said it sounded like Indochine, I can see that. It’s one of those I’m the happiest with actually, could call it a good pop song.