How does one define oneself? Tricky question. I have at times tried too much to look for that truth in the eyes of others. But somehow I think I’ve grown to apply critical thinking more and more. And so while I am intrigued about how people see or perceive me, I am able to generally see what is true or not. Some say ‘perception is everything’, but I can’t agree. Not anymore. So everything aimed at me, I wonder, ponder, and assess. Sometimes it helps define me, sometimes it helps point me to improvements I could make, sometimes it makes me feel ‘yeah, I’m unfortunately not that good’. But most things have to be a way to get more understanding and learn how to move forward. That’s the life of the INFP I guess?
Anyway, I realise it’s also easy to get me wrong and even the most perceptive people can get it spectacularly wrong.
But back on topic, the ‘trigger’ for this was a tweet that was once replied to me (can’t remember it precisely of course), saying something about ‘a certain individualist’ (namely me). My instinct at the time was ‘why ‘individualist’ not ‘individual’? Isn’t that a bit derogatory? It was from someone I like and trusted, but yes at the time I hadn’t researched the subject (not that I truly have now, but I perceive it completely differently), so took ‘individualist’ as meaning ‘selfish’, ‘not a team player’. Which I now realise is very wrong. And in all the soul searching I have made over the last few years, I have grown to understand that I am indeed an individualist, and always have been. Yet I don’t think anyone but the most twisted would call me selfish (I do have moments of selfishness, we all do, like we have moments of narcissism, etc. etc., but it’s not an intrinsic ‘quality’ of mine), looking for individual glory, putting myself above the team etc. No, it’s something completely different, valuing the individual and recognising the specificities of every individual within a group, and yes, ultimately, according more importance to that individual than to the group they belong to.
In a way it tallies with my romantic idea of anarchism (a future blog post, again inspired by someone first defining me as an anarchist).
There have always been signs. One particular experience was the ‘service militaire’, or rather ‘not the service militaire’ as, yes, you could say I skived, though it was draining to put myself into a state while being totally uncertain of the outcome. Couple of moments I remembered from that single day. One was being asked by an officer (female, don’t know if it’s relevant, maybe it is, in the way that she understood what I did, in a way I’m not sure a man would have, or at least a man may not have compromised) to put my hands out of my jacket pockets. It’s the army, they give you gloves, it was actually freezing in Châteauroux in December 1997, but you’re not allowed to wear said gloves or keep your hands warm. I didn’t budge, not sure I said a word, but it seems like at times, I am so transparent with my emotions on my face I don’t need words (then why do I feel the need to use so many words in writing? Because you don’t see me….this can be so frustrating when you want to communicate with someone who you don’t see, and unfortunately the internet means an enormous lot of miscommunication and wrong assumptions based on one’s own fears and past, forgetting the person who’s addressing you’s own being), but in my mind it was ‘Despite her position of authority, I will not do it unless she says ‘please’. And you know what? She understood perfectly, and just repeated her sentence adding a simple ‘please’ at the end. And so I took my hands out. I’m not actually sure it’s a point about individualism, but in a way it’s my way of expressing it. No, the big memory was once back in civilian clothes with the handful of people in the same situation as me, freed from army duties and about to take a train back to Paris (my Dad had kindly driven me down the day before — did I spend a night there? I think I may have done, only I remember them teaching us how to make your bed in that odd mililtary way and me not even wanting to pay attention to such bullshit (as considered by me, I DO know it has its merits, especially in the context of army) — as snow meant I missed the train I was meant to take), seeing the whole lot of the other conscripts (note also that by that time the end of conscription had been announced, and we were some of the last batch, another reason why I felt I could/wanted not to take part in some ritual that was going to be abandoned anyway) in uniform, all with the same haircut eating at the same table, it was like ‘no, I really wouldn’t want to be part of that uniformisation’. And it’s been the same all my life really. I can belong in small groups of people, but at one point I will always feel the need to have more of my liberty. It’s a bit ‘shit’ in some ways, because I have few close friends, and throughout life I’ve definitely flitted between groups of people, because I’m always interested in new things/new people, yet don’t want to let the ones I know down, but I’ve mostly failed. And sometimes I’ve behaved like an arsehole one way or another, not often committing to this or that, because I wanted to be everywhere, and couldn’t bring myself to make choices, open doors that meant others were closing. But that’s life, you have to make the choices, see what you can do and forget about what you didn’t do. But again, see some of my concert reviews (particularly in early 2023) for the me vs big groups/belonging point of view. I don’t feel like I need to belong. Again, my history is what it is, born abroad (with no connection to that abroad I have never been back to yet), 8 years in a place, before being uprooted at probably the wrong time. Studying in different places. Becoming more English than French at some point and in some ways that still confuse some people at times. Close to choosing to move back to the UK in view of changing nationality but opting for the (easy) way of trying to get the best of both worlds. Bilingual but with a second language I (consciously) think of more than in the first, the language of a country I only lived just over a year in. Right-handed/Right-footed but not excessively so (will do another autobiographical post on this), in fact confusingly left-handed at times. Scoring 50% for ‘masculine’, 78% for ‘feminine’ in a ‘Gender Role’ test, for what it’s worth. None of this defines me, but it sure makes for someone who will not and cannot belong easily to one thing or another. Same with the eclectic music tastes… Only, maybe, the Arsenal remains and I belong there. Although, Ashburton Army? No thanks, it’s got army in it, they’ve got black uniformity, it’s very much against my mentality. While I’ve not been to the North Bank as much this season, I will remain a North Bank person, but that’s the other thing…..loyalty. Anyway, I digress very very badly, but yes, I accept my individualism, it’s not ideal, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It certainly isn’t selfish, and anyone I’ve played football with (hell, I won the fair play award twice in the arseblog 5s, the first time I was shocked, but I remember being touched by it, because actually, as Tone said, I suppose I actually did deserve it) could attest to it.
Another way the individualism expresses itself is when I post photos on instagram/twitter, possibly facebook (though I’ve not been a regular poster there for years) or to friends. Maybe it’s more ‘individualisation’ rather than individualism, but I always try to make the effort to post different things. Sure a photo of ‘A’ always looks like a photo of ‘A’, but I don’t keep track of who follows on what, I’m not a social media person who wants to post everything everywhere (so sometimes I post here, sometimes there, there doesn’t have to be a super rational reason or an intention…God I hate how much scope for manipulation SM has, include messenging with its last seen/read receipts, etc. I wish none of this existed so I don’t have to just ignore the possible implications, and the paranoias it generates in people, legitimate in their own head (and so they are, often), but very often not, when taking reality into account, and the algorithms make it worse at times, making you wonder why someone does this or that, if they’re going through all your things or being stalker-ish, when it can be random (that once really irked me when someone was replying to a lot of my posts, but they also realised that, so it was fine) – but then true stalkers exist too), so I like to give something a little different to everyone, even if absolutely nobody will know or notice. But that’s me. Very vain but still wanting to make the effort. Guess it’s the same when it comes to birthdays on social media. I’m not a mad wisher, keep on circumstances and prefere to send personal messages than public wishes/thanks, etc that can be seen by everyone, what’s the point? Often I get over it, try to not be such a private person which I fundamentally am and prefer to be, it’s a shyness it’s an unassertiveness, but the more I grow, the more I realise I can and could have been anything, and I’m not sure what matters anymore but something has to, even if my principles are flexible, I think the deep core doesn’t change). And when twenty people wish me a happy birthday, I will always try to reply individually (and use different words for each if I can) rather than ‘thanks all for the wishes’. Sure it’s quicker, and certainly nobody in their sane mind will be offended that you don’t reply to them individually (unless you actually make an exception, but that’s different), and I’m like everyone in that I take collective responses well. But I will always remain individual, even if ultimately it seems like an effore that costs more than it rewards. But again, when it comes to people, relationships (I’m being mathematical, any interaction is a relationship, I’m not talking about romance particularly there) and efforts, I’m not in a capitalist perspective. I do like to give (though I’ve learnt a bit more to take now). Sure one’s needs are crucial, and I’ve stopped killing myself for others (but did I ever really….?), but if the effort is not so costly, why not do it?
Right, I think I’ve written enough, that’s my perspective on individualism, again, these pages are mostly an autobiography an Ollie user’s manual that may be too much of a demystification, but sometimes I feel I’m too subtle for my own good, and if you don’t get the manual, you might never understand it. Does it matter? Not so much. I prefer things to grow organically and if I still have to adapt further to get out of myself, so be it. It’s a bit late now, feel I’ve generally under-achieved as a human being but hey-ho. There are contradictions everywhere, I’m sure in these pages too, but maybe I’m being slighty harsh on myself again? Thing is, to some extent it feels good to express myself here, whether anyone reads it or not, whether I speak in the void. The motivation was still the one mooted in the landing page. There are still things I can only express privately I guess, and this is/was a way to get more things out to someone who won’t read, but not completely, in the end, the efforts I have made lately have been for myself, not in a selfish way but in a way that I don’t want the good stuff to depend on other people’s reactions, I have to adapt, but I’ve given in enough to the destruction/deconstruction of self in the past to feel more comfortable with the person I am. Dark sides, dark days will always exist, ultimately these are humans’ struggles. And after all this time, while I accept it, whether it’s in education, in nature, or the way I was probably sheltered from outside harm as a child, I just can’t understand people being mean to others or having bad intentions. I think I’ve drifted some way from ‘individualism’ talk again……..but that’s my very individualistic way of expressing myself.