Chapter 5
26th to 28th of February: Early Notes (Sadness On My Back)
26/2
[shockingly no entry for 26th, although I thought that was when the idea of a diary was confirmed, check overnight stuff from first page when I mention or was it intro then I don’t know)
27/2
7.53 felt a little harder going out of bed and to the loo this morning but then maybe it is because it was earlier. Slept a little better (HR says so, managed some time under 50 though clearly I can forget about being fit for many months now), though I woke up a touch earlier than I wish. But then I have plenty to do so it is not bad. Made my first coffee, managed to do the washing up (don’t see how I will empty the bins though), so lots of positives. Thought in the loo: I’m lucky I am fairly fit, if I was old and/or unfit, how would I cope? Or even if this had happened while I was weighing 83kg?
Had a little cry thinking how Ben has always been there for me and wondering where I would be without him. Bit pissed off (and surprised to be honest) about my boss who never called me or replied to my email from Tuesday evening. Poor form even if busy on a work trip to not at least send a message. But Ok, all other colleagues are amazingly nice.
Anyway, stuff to scan now.
8.17. Top tips (from yesterday mostly). Crutches as pincers. Crutch to close door. Gather objects from the floor, press on switches. On top of their primary rather important use. Yeah, amazing multi-purpose tools.
Also, my left buttock might get strong from all this standing on one leg. Hopefully with the boot everything will be easier though as I might be allowed to put ‘foot’ on floor if in desperate need.
What next? Oh yeah. Red winter duvet has to go. Too many red objects (both phones+iPad), I struggle enough to locate them even when fit, so now I truly need contrast. Even the weather is turning a little colder again.
Adding some of the thoughts from the previous couple of days because they come back regularly.
It’s a pain to miss those gigs. Heartworms and yunè pinku in particular, but also Fat Dog for great fun with Jed (I may still go, too early to say but definitely can’t do the fun). Having to shed the Chelsea match also annoying plus I can’t transfer the ticket to whoever I want.
And the trip to Vienna. In fact not only was I getting super fit again, I was also feeling more responsible and enjoying work again. Need to get some positives. Music it has to be really and need to cut from most of the rest of the world during this time.
Anyway yeah. On a sunny morning I am at the same time positive and very frustrated. Hell. The shinpads for the 5s arrived the very day everything collapsed. And I have the order for sports drinks and gels too, that came in the next day. Call that irony or something. I was really getting there again but being reasonable with it. Was just about to rerun my first half marathon after six months, having done 15k without much of a problem a few days before. I was getting confident in myself again when out and about etc. Free and happy really. And now I have to mostly restart all again and lose the whole of my favourite Spring season in the process. With no guarantee that I will be as fit ever again and being one year older. Sometimes I am still hopeful for the future, sometimes I feel I’ve totally failed my life despite the abilities and potential. We shall see.
I am keeping my running shoe on at all time on the left now as it softens the blow on the foot/achilles that side (that was supposed to be the weaker/more painful one!)
12.57 It’s been a productive morning to be fair. Sorted all immediate admin. Boss called. I am wondering if he saw my Tuesday email, maybe not. Funny now there’s two Maries every time I say I’d told Marie about it they think the other one. Boss called as my shoelace got untied so it was decent timing, there was a ledge to sit on and gather strength. Chemist was far from as nice helpful or competent as the one in the other pharmacy, so size of bandage in doubt. Meaning also I will have to go again at some point in the future rather than have it all. Zero knowledge on sizes. But more annoyingly and not her fault I have to go back as they didn’t have everything. And that is a real pisser. Lady at the equipment shop on the other hand was very very helpful. Glad I managed to set off with just about enough space in front and back bags. Phew. Not feeling bright though and still so much to do and clear up space for equipment for the nurse and more paperwork to read etc. I’m sadly not really able to rest and still need to eat.
Also random strangers saying bon courage touches me and makes me want to cry. I’ll pay more attention when fit again to people in trouble.
Remembering that guy in Dortmund seeing what he felt with look of deep despair on my face (and he was probably more perceptive than I was, in a way, odd to think of it with all I have learnt since, some of my issues as well as other people’s, guess it took me too long to start to really find myself or something).
17.57 Nearly all sorted, pleased with today’s job. But the chemist really was useless and incompetent this morning and now I am pissed off. Good thing I checked and looked because Betadine yellow and red are clearly not the same. Ffs I felt she was shit on other things but that takes the biscuit, hope to god the dressings and bandages are ok in size because I still will have to go again which is not and will not be great in my state but she should know about that sort of things anyway. Total idiot. Now I’ll go there and be angry I don’t like that. Hope I get to talk to someone else [had to edit slightly as a phrase happened twice, anger often makes me repetitive in disbelief, I can see why at times I may seem autistic, I certainly have ‘moments’ somewhere on the spectrum]
19.05 that trip was ok on the way out and I had a competent chemist this time (I hope I got it right about the plasters unless a box was really missing? Have a doubt yet, i was pissed off with the other one). Also no excuse as the Betadine Scrub is partially reimbursed so not about that. This one also brought me everything to my seat and held the gate out. Kind. Way back started OK but long wait at the lights. I wasn’t going to take a chance with end of green man first. And then second time some police bikes with blue lights heh. But i found the funny side so just waited for the next turn, but with the sweaty hands and tiring left calf the last few metres were a real struggle. And then I dropped a crutch at the door. Just as I managed to get it back, my neighbour arrived with her husband and that was helpful. And she offered to help anytime. Sure I wont abuse it though!
22.13 anyway, all set, a last listen to SoALW and I’ll try to sleep. Think I have optimised most things. Getting out of the shower is a very very difficult trick, now I see even more the attraction of ‘walk-in’ showers…but paths are clear, surfaces ready some cleaned and disinfected so that I don’t feel shit about a nurse visiting!
28/2
7.24 waking up. Messaged Andrew back. Listening to All I Ever Am and properly crying. Such a great song. Such a great band.
8.45 sorted the bandages fuck up, I did complain a bit. Still means the incompetent one fucked up that particular order. I understand now how the evening mix-up happened and why I thought I had them [11/3 this is explained more clearly in the stuff above]. Anyway, it’s clear now and I am OK.
9.31 funny how I only realised now Ben doesn’t need an Uber to come here. Distorted by my own reality, I was not thinking clearly, just because he said he wasn’t driving so it would have to be an Uber. Only from my place though was the implicit bit I hadn’t thought of.
[all that happened until the evening the day of the operation is related in the non-live journal Part I]
19.00 been writing so much to people, I don’t have the courage to re-put the emotions or insights here. So I will just put notes for later use. [note 11/3: in the end I decided to go all by memory, only using notes if I had forgotten something but I generally didn’t use them]
But all good, home, went super well.