Chapter 6

Week 1 : 1st to 7th of March : Up and Down (Forwarddirektion)

PArt II diary only: from now onNote that some of it was written long before part I above, and so there will be things retold, although here there will be as references rather than part of live events. Something that occurs to me on proofreadinf now 15/3. Especially at the start as I hadn’t rewritten things and was not sure what format I would settle for and so if I would revisit all the events of operation day in particular. Either way, all the below was live/spontaneous writing, which part I wasn’t.

Saturday 1/3

07.17 still fielded too many messages last evening but ended up just turning phones off to not be tempted, and listening to music. But still only went to sleep at 10.30pm or something and I just mean lights off. Still too hyper though so couldn’t fall asleep. [that is a lot of ‘still’ indicating I wasn’t, er, still]. Struggled with position. Slept very badly, only near the end of the night did I find some peace, but not for long; did the old wake up with a start just as I fall asleep at least once. As if I were preventing myself from falling asleep. I need to find a way again. This morning again more difficult to move; also found out second strap was undone in all the movements, though I suspect it means the last nurse in the room who undid and redid the scratches quickly possibly didn’t really put it back as it was. Not a big deal, she clearly wasn’t an Achilles surgery expert yet. The one we met in the corridor and addressed me twice with my first name amusingly, short and seeming young (the one in the room was too) looked more at ease with things. But I left to a joke anyway as I used my crutch to activate the door but realised only a second after she was not really blaming Ben just joking. Just like me forgetting about all the (hospital) humour I had faced all day because of the small misunderstanding about leaving from the other one, but she wasn’t that clear at all. The procedure was but her not returning before wasn’t or her not asking about clothes was inexperience for sure. She will learn. Anyway yes I had to redo it, not easy and triggered more pain. Pain is probably awakening anyway so even ignoring sleeping problems I may still have to use the Tramadol at some point, we will see, I suspect today will not be so easy.

08.57 eek. Checked Trump thread to see what it was about. No not just Tate. Also AI thread. Strong doom we’re fucked etc. Yesterday was a good day because I saw enough people who are good people and if it comes to that hopefully are able to save this world. But it can wait a bit for now as I need to find a lot of peace this weekend. And not anticipate, no idea if I can do anything. Maybe just write. And maybe hope. But shit is really not good and as feared 2025 may not be better than 2024. Well for me it’s already looking a lot worse in many ways though I hope I am still growing as a person. Yes the Olivier one was amusing, not too serious and I am convinced she is excellent at her job, just a happy good person. But so many have been yesterday and mostly professional too. Can’t find the shorts I was looking for, annoyingly, also hope I find the envelope to pay the anaesthesist, maybe I had put it back in the dossier? Anyway still many things to do, have to do it all in order.

10.42 yeah really knackered but I’ve found the shorts and managed to do a few things like a quick superficial clumsy partial wash, re read docs (still waiting for the compte-rendu, there was no ambiguity in what the secretary said, so the hand-written mention in the leaving-the-hospital sheet was just because the nurse didn’t know), still a few minor admin tasks to do but nothing urgent. Still can’t find the envelope, but anyway it is only free if you post at hospital otherwise I need to do it, could ask Ben to post or might ask him to buy stamps for me. [11/3: another kind of warped way of thinking as the nearest postbox is the post office anyway, so I’d still have to go there]

[Between these entries, Ben popped by, went to fetch the missing plasters from the pharmacy and then went for some more shopping from another small list of things I hadn’t thought of the day before, most helpful and kind again]

13.52 have eaten. Need to check what sports is on TV or listen to music, might even tackle the crossword quietly. Need to find the envelope where the hell did I put it? Hope it didn’t fall. Because I still need it even to send with stamp as I don’t have the address orherwise so argh thought I’d left it at home before the op as not needed otherwise but can’t find it.

16.07 found the envelope. Sorted, managed a micro sleep as totally exhausted. So I know I can sleep and hopefully much better tonight.

Oh yes and earlier I thought as I was washing but still could not have a shower (it was good to have the betadine ones) : another lucky thing is that I had my hair cut just a few days before the accident!

[that afternoon for the first time since Tuesday, in bed, reading and listening to music, not communicating with anyone, I finally managed to relax a bit and find some calm inside]

20.33 Really been too clumsy today. Dropped my crutches many times. Bumped my foot a few times. Despite the shit I said earlier to some I’ll be very happy to try and put the foot on the floor. Hope I will manage, will be new steps to learn with no guidance, but should make everything a little easier.

————

Sunday 2/3

00.23 Can’t believe it’s still this early. First woke up at 10.15 [on a Saturday night, heh] or so thinking it must be 2am (was asleep at nine-ish first though, so now just woke up startled and had to do sth) but so far so good I feel like I slept ten of the previous nights so I feel better. However, trying put the foot down, it’s still numb, this is not going to be the huge improvement I cheekily thought it would be. Right now, London feels a thousand miles away, might not be realistic at all. We shall see. Give myself at least a week to reassess. I might really have been too optimistic.

07.53 if nothing else , I slept rather well (many interruptions but that’s usual for me) and caught up with some rest. Have had brekkie. Yeah being able to put your foot down is good. But not at all quite what I was hoping. Not used to it with boot and foot slope. Have to be a doubt for in three weeks time unless all taxis and travelling and staying same place as Ben. As for the 5s, depends if the boot goes on 2/4. Fat Dog etc. also but think I won’t go. The thing is I have stuff for 45 days so…. But ok just injections last 5 and surgeon’s holidays date inconvenient just the right week. Avalanche Party gig now also weirdly theoretically possible but I don’t see it.

Definitely not working that week, stopped or not as there will be nobody anyway. Still won’t be able to drive until May I guess.

09.52 bit annoying the weather turning cold again when I can only wear shorts. Maybe I should try to see if I can wear the tracksuit bottoms again. Probably also better off with nurse every other day than every day. Still, must fill my day a bit not be too lazy even if I said I’d relax this weekend. The much better night was most welcome though, hope I can have a few like that. Might have to stop this diary. Was Ok when I had little funny thoughts or bigger reflections, but now? Does anyone needs to read this? At least maybe just small entries just at the end of the day, progress etc?

11.52 nurse came and went. Things clearer in terms of what is needed. Also going to be every other day so that is cooler for me. She didn’t do the injection (I had done the first yesterday midday so that it would roughly match her timing for today as it has to be done at the same time every day) so I will do my own every day I guess. Need sparadrap… but when? Nobody is going to fetch that for me at daytime. Will need more sterilised plasters next time too. Now I get how it works looking at the prescription so good.

13.05 also looks like I missed a truly amazing gig last night, I know I’d have loved it and it would have maybe gone as top concert for this year so far, but at least it enabled Patrice and Estelle to go so it was not lost.

Guess hinds and panchiko and maybe fat dog will be off. KLO I will be annoyed to miss.

May have to go to pharmacy tomorrow if no-one. Maybe I can try.

21.50 too tired to write. Restless earlier, wanted to move the guitar case to free space for the nurse’s next visit already, stumbled and crashed on the floor, small gash in the left shin, things fall from the table. Idiot overreaching, also, feeling more depressed now, have things to do tomorrow, don’t want to bother the neighbour (earlier today she had left her number under the door as agreed, so I had just sent a thank you message), but don’t feel I will have the energy to go. And if I don’t move for three weeks, no way I will be able to go to London. This journal is changing shape and I am forcing myself to write. Not good, no humour, no positivity, too factual. Changing perspective from the few days experience etc.. Now just reality, a pretty shit reality. [it was all predictable, this didn’t really come as a surprise].

Monday 3/3

[actually a mix of live journal and rewrite, some of the pharmacy trip is rewritten in the same way as part I]

07.39 very bad night. First when I was falling sleep I had not just the usual startled fear of heart stopping but the brain caving in, the skullcrushing one, sure I know quickly it is not true and I am alive but still a very unpleasant sensation/experience. Think I was a little on the depression side. Have to be active today but don’t feel great. Limits between self-indulgence and taking it easy are hard to set. Not feeling as good as pre-op. Sure I said it at the time and knew the post-op euphoria wouldn’t last, but right now I’m struggling to stay upbeat, not sure what I can do, need to avoid depression etc. Will I be able to go to post office? Pharmacy?

I mean I woke up at night, felt shit, had a mousse au chocolat stupid though soothing, time went very slowly, think I hurt and tripped on the way too but hey here’s another day. Maybe slightly better putting foot on floor. Not sure.

09.37 someone rang from downstairs. Didn’t have time to reach the interphone from my bed starting point, not even after the second ring. Mind you, too early for the post and I don’t expect a delivery (or the nurse) and judging from further sounds, other were rang so spam or a delivery for someone else but no bother.

11.25 wish it were warmer because I wear shorts. Tried the joggers but can’t get them through boots. We shall see if/when I am allowed/can remove the boot…hm just there electrical discharge (a nerve I guess), not that painful but not good and proof not everything is ok. Weather helps but can I really go to the post office etc. Thought so but bad night and that discharge now…not sure. Trying to get busy but might not be that easy. If only I’d slept well….many doubts…

13.25 wrote a mangled gig review for Hak Baker (very belatedly!), made and ate tagliatelle carbonara, maybe it is already too much effort. Spilt water, then floor is a little slippery, couple of tricky moments with the crutches. Not great great today. Still will have to attempt post office and pharmacy but not sure how. Maybe backpack for pharmacy. Hell either way, still no report but think I won’t move for two or three hours now. Bit of a struggle, hopefully temperatures go up later this week.

Heh got an email about opinion about dr. surgery. Great but where is my fucking operation report please? And what about the hospital thing between 48 72 h amicare too? [I think all the amicare website/account stuff is an old thing, encountered in several places and documents, but actually never required]

16.02 put my contacts on [was from an old case it seems, had two on one eye, no wonder that one seemed not to see clearly]. And finally sent an email to the surgeon (secrétaire even if the address is just his name). Automatic reply: they are on fucking holidays. So went without sending me my report, now I am really not fucking impressed. Or is it why I had to go downstairs after surgery but nobody insisted? Not impressed. [no, obviously I didn’t have to go, instructions were clear, just my mind panicking with uncertainty but that was the sort of doubts creeping back on that Monday] Maybe insist and tell me [nurse, not secreteary] rather than negligently put it down on a piece of paper, especially after asking me if someone is staying overnight and me saying no, leaving a small doubt about my ‘3pm’ release? Yes the exit was not impressive. Sure the hardest is done, and now I only have go to the post office and pharmacy but not in a great mood. Already the fact the my next visit is 5 weeks instead of 6 because of holidays, having an impact on sick leave and final recovery steps maybe doesn’t feel ideal or responsible.

Also the nurse for tomorrow hasn’t called yet so no idea of time. I assume similar as yesterday but fuck knows, especially as it will be a different one [see I was a little unsettled, reflecting now it wasn’t needed but when timings aren’t clear, I can always blame myself for not asking, but I have learnt that the best make things clear, also you have to cater for introverts sometimes, don’t you? It wasn’t a big deal. I was just hoping for more details about the operation, or most certainly vaguely hoping that it would include a few more post-ops recommendations, more on that in the next couple of days. Other than that, one can question the sending of a satisfaction survey e-mail today (so are they on holidays, was this automated?) before the report. So yeah, I was happy with the surgery itself, but the post-op ‘care’ not so much perhaps. Sending these sort of surveys when not everything is said and done….not all right. Note that as I had no idea when the report was meant to be sent, I did just mention in my e-mail that I didn’t know the delay; I didn’t demand the report of course, it is just the automatic holiday e-mail that annoyed me as I hadn’t been told].

17.18 bit shit really. At least the contact lenses were probably a good idea. Given previous experience and possible size of boxes to get, I wisely took the backpack (but putting the small neck bag inside it in case I needed it too). Bumped into the guy who wished me bon courage the other day, who asked me what the injury was. He had had to go around on crutches before, though a different injury. A local drunk (I could smell the alcohol this time) but nice (once more, it is often the ones who are lost who are the friendliest, even if you know you can’t connect for long) and I was moving better. Went to the post office ok. Annoyed because I thought I’d buy 10 stamps but ended up buying ten vignettes so individually printed, ugly and it takes forever. So I was grumbling. Waste of time and money, God knows when I’ll use ten. A few cards in France here and there but that’s still not enough. At the chemist’s a different person though the useless one was there and also the one who was ok the other day. Managed to explain well enough what I still needed. Though the other one had the cheek to ask if the size of the plasters was not ok (in a way that left no doubt that she was concerned not about my state but having possibly fucked up), so I told her tartly that the size was OK (it was about the only thing right from that first visit but I didn’t add that) and I was still annoyed. I see now that the new box of pansements is indeed different, so wtf hope they are ok too but not certain as they seem to have slightly different features. I’ll have them changed if need be [turned out these were better in fact so again probably more competence from this new one thankfully, could have swapped the initial ones but the box had already been open on Sunday]. Forgot to ask about used syringes container. Whichever way, the pharmacienne asked if I wanted to sit down and I stupidly said I’d be OK as I could set my foot down a little. But somehow when it came to paying I had a little malaise, not quite feeling dizzy but sweating, too hot and unwell and collapsing and found myself on the floor. I didn’t completely lose consciousness and it wasn’t a new sensation, but previously it had only happened at home, mostly in the shower or bath I think. [Garmin checked later seemed to indicate my heart also beat a little more rapidly during the episode]. Maybe hypotension? Anyway I was helped though as she saw it coming, laid on the floor for a bit (aware that I was in the way though, which obviously I was told not to worry about as it didn’t matter), before I was able to be put on the chair that was brought to the till by then. Another older lady (a customer) offered kind words of wishes and compassion, and three glasses of water and a sweet later (‘Do you want a sweet?’ ‘I don’t know, what do you recommend?’ ‘I am not sure, but maybe it will give you some energy’ ‘Ok I will have it then, thanks’. I figure sugar may be good for once, and also sucking on a sweet might kind of ‘distract me’ on the way back), having sat for a bit, I was ready to go again. As I would have, once more, stuff to pick up again the next day (oh yes, I had my episode as my card was being refused by the machine – something regular and normal -, but I don’t think it added or triggered anything, as I was already struggling and on my way to collapsing as I first presented the card, but bottom line is the transaction hadn’t gone through), I left without paying, but with everything in my bag. The pharmacist offered to have someone come with me if need be, but I assessed I had recovered sufficiently and would be fine. A nicer moment on exiting the pharmacy as a little girl with her Mum were passing by, the little girl pointing out that ‘le monsieur’ was struggling to move and the Mum explaining that ‘le monsieur il a très mal à la jambe’. It felt like a sweet and compassionate scene of decent education, even with no word addressed to me. The walk [‘walk’? ‘hop’ is the technical term I guess!] back was manageable and without panic, thankfully, I was technically improving at moving on crutches, I took it easy and very slow, though obviously once more, the hands sweating and the tiredness made the last few metres particularly difficult.

I am glad that that episode happened at the chemist’s and not in the post office! [though as I more consciously realised the next day, there may have been a big determining factor in that]. Maybe it was the whole not moving much and not having been out since Friday afternoon. Whichever way, today, I clearly presumed too much (reminds me of an excellent Merz song) and overestimated my strength [actually now I realise the French phrase is ‘présumer de ses forces’, so my initial thought of a phrase in English using presume may just have at least partly been a gallicism]. How the hell am I supposed to go to London? With the no report and still waiting for the nurse to tell me her ETA tomorrow (hope she will turn up at least?), it was not a good day.

———

Tuesday 4/3

9.17 would have been Mum’s (93rd..) birthday. Slept better. Brekkie and wash without too much trouble (washed hair yesterday will do only every other day at the start, still have to find how to do the booted leg), managed to put washing in the machine thanks to the bigger neck bag (the A&E one), though will wait until tomorrow to start it. For socks parity as I am using a pair for two days now, one sock at a time. Hope the nurse turns up and then hopefully I will have a better day than yesterday. Otherwise will have to call midday (assuming default is similar time as Sunday) and so if not today then two days in a row as need the parity for London. Feeling a little more confident about it now trying to make actual pseudo-steps. Need to look at physio at some point.

12.30 nurse turned up thankfully just as I was close to calling, only a little later than on Tuesday. I am struggling to reconcile the idea that this one is the ‘responsible’ of the other. Just a little too overwhelmed and struggling. Does not seem very very focused (so not surprised she didn’t call beforehand, she had no idea what time she was meant to turn up…the 22/3 will be tough to negociate, need to do it ahead), two phones ringing, one super loud. Not necessarily a boot expert either [after the next couple of visits, opinions are adjusted, she was still efficient, just back from holidays and in a rush due to the blood test to hand to the lab midday, so a little overwhelmed but she is perfectly fine, friendly and efficient] But then she said I had good veins and surprisingly mentioned I was young, I said it was very relative so she added it was compared to her other patients…yeah, obviously most patients who need a home nurse are old. Which is why she wouldn’t be that knowledgeable on ruptured achilles either, mind, etc….

[oddly I didn’t write an update after the trip to the pharmacy in the late afternoon. I mean, it went well, but there were a couple of points to note maybe. Still improving my speed on crutches. Another nice quick encounter with an old fellow who wished me good luck as he let me through a narrow kerb first, I tried to string a couple of sentences together beyond thank you as he asked a question, but I sensed there was no intention of a conversation on his side so I hopped on.]

At the chemist’s, luckily, I was summoned to the far end till this time (a bloke behind the counter), the one nearest the door, so decided to spontaneously sit there while the attendant was fetching my prescription (annoyingly the day before I hadn’t had the presence of thought to order the bandage in 15cm as per the original prescription rather than the initially given 20cm that was deemed OK by the nurse but not ideal). I went back to the till this time but he helped me put everything in the bag. And I remembered to ask for the DASTRI box for the syringes. The chemist who tended to me when I had the malaise the day before was around and kindly asked me how I was doing today, so I reassured her that I was well after a better night’s sleep. The one thing that struck me during that visit though was how incredibly hot it was in this place. I guess it played a significant part in my near-faint the day before. The walk back was still a little bit of a struggle at the end as usual. And I knew this may be my final trip outside for over two weeks maybe – before the delivery hiccup mentioned below forced an unplanned one on the Friday (7/3)]

———

Wednesday 5/3

7.46 mixed night, bit of despair in the middle so felt like moving but realised there was mot much purpose so ate a dessert[weird logic, but just restlessness]. Maybe the sweetness helped. Pattern so far is bad night follows good day, decent night follows bad days and mixed follows mixed, we will see if the pattern continues, small sample. Also not so much to do generally maybe, so likely to be all mixed (mood, sense of achievement) days. Have to shake laziness. And pain. But don’t know how to use the boot. Annoying. Wish there was a clear post-op video or something. Now nothing until the physio really.

11.08 I am going to be very bored. Great weather. Spring has always been a season of renewal for me, especially March and April and AON then holidays in May. Sure I will have hols too but won’t go away, really need to not fuck up the rehab but lots of stuff taken away from me in March/April, great gigs, some matches, not having a drink for my birthday, all the sports. The 5s were the big target after the tendon issues, I was feeling very fit again and then bang! Received some parcel, thankfully the delivery guy called ahead so I could explain and the driver agreed to come up. Amazon stuff normally should arrive ok in the letterbox. Think I will do the Stockholm stuff on my website, not feeling too lazy today but the diary requires a little more effort to be done properly, mental effort if nothing else. So much to put from the first few days when I didn’t have or take the time to actually live-write, now it is sparse but also I may still have to stop. Sure there will be challenges/depressions/steps, doubts and hopes to relate, but in terms of possibly fun or positive thoughts and quotes, I probably used it all up by Friday night. Now it’s the long slog, the reality of life, not the dreams and hopes. [also very few interactions with people in the first few weeks]

14.04 cooked better, lovely weather, really wanted to take coffee on the balcony until I worked out bringing it over is too complicated…fed up with being horizontal though…and tired somehow.

16.20 spent a little time on the balcony just listening to music and reading. Not quite warm enough but nice. Not getting the sunshine there and then though, probably still a healthy thing to be outside even if not perfect. Back inside, making tea, realising things are actually more of a struggle now. Slightly more clumsy, less focused maybe, stumbling a little more or dropping things a little more. Like there’s no new skills to learn, hardly any new original thought and knowing the world out there may still be the same mess. Gotta find ways and not fall into depression. Patience even if the outcome is still uncertain for now. The Birthday bash still maybe a focus but I wish I were told what I am allowed to do for walks etc. The post-op stuff is really not being well organised plus some stress as I will need top rehab to regain fitness asap. So yeah, lots still up in the air. Hope the pending replies will be positive, right now I am a little pessimistic about stuff (cried again to All I Ever Am), the trouble right now seems all that time wasted as I am getting older.

18.32 did the Stockholm photos blog, I feel a lot happier and glad to have done something. That will be the challenge, be at least a bit creative. I mean I might watch series and stuff, but I realise I might not feel good if that is all I do. Need to set myself tasks but the late December music attempts were disappointing so…we shall see.

Oh yeah, I forgot to empty the washing machine. Might be a tricky task there. No news from Ale so I am assuming work means it is a little too tiring to come and watch the CL matches in the evening, but yeah once I’m done with another task or so (fetch stuff from letterbox too), I think I will just relax in front of the football on telly. Ups and downs today, but a little productivity has perked me up. I often don’t know what to do, but I’m definitely not someone who enjoys being idle, that much is evident now….although still an introvert, I need my quiet moments of just music and reading maybe. Need to remember that time does not always matter. Be less brain-jumpy and be able to not worry. Maybe this period will help too and I must heed the lessons.

Forgot to say the report arrived. Without any formalism just the pdf so got more indication, well, sort of, about post-op at least. No words at all in the e-mail though so makes me think I should not have emailed, but to be fair it arrived two days after my Monday e-mail, and from a different address, so it might just have been automatic and normal rather than having been sent by the surgeon/assistant during their holidays. The thing is though, two things jumped at me. First and shockingly, the wrong type of a anaesthesy being mentioned (‘general’, riiiight…), and then the ‘appointment 45 days after surgery’, which may have been the standard (though allegedly it is 6 weeks so strictly 42), but in my case for practical reasons already explained (more holidays), it will be in the 5th week, so maybe 5 weeks after the first appointment, but just 33 days after surgery. Which is a lot less and cannot be deemed equivalent. The third thing, a little more vague, mentions 15 days immobilisation with a splint then use of the boot with heel wedges. Even though I was immediately fitted with the boot post-op. Sure, just after the op he called the boot ‘splint’, and as a matter of fact it fulfills both functions. But he had also mentioned I could gently put my foot on the floor and ‘walk’ with crutches. So am I supposed not to for two weeks and then only walk? This left me confused for a while. Bottom line is that, apart from the dissolvable stitches perhaps [and even then, that is not particularly notable, this paragraph is mostly post-redacted but apart from that last remark about the stitches, was my thoughts when receiving the report], this seemed like a completely generic report of an achilles operation, not particularly mine. Obviously I can’t really know about the types of threads used as described in the report, but given all the rest, why would that even be accurate either? It won’t make much difference to me or anyone, and at the end of the day, if the operation itself was very well done and successful (time will tell I suppose, despite the risk of re-rupture (mentioned again contractually as a generic risk but not quantifiable), it is all that truly matters, but while I am sure he does tons of these and there is not much scope for differences between operations (only very specific thing mentioned at the end again live was that it had been a very neat cut), it still felt like ‘any Achilles repair’ report rather than mine. Bit of a flawed report then, but dates and names were OK this time at least (the first document from the hospital exit had a blank name for the anaesthesist).

———

Thursday 6/3

7.42 another mixed night. Not helped by very noisy works on the train line in the middle of the night when things are usually the quietest. Physiologically maybe a good night though as body battery refilled and I went back down to 45bpm RHR which I didn’t expect. Won’t last due to no sports though. But brain’s not great.

10.26 absolutely not recovery related but very pissed off once more by the joke that is the Arsenal shop. So I ordered a short and jogging bottoms to try and fit while I have the boot and now I am being asked by UPS to pay 44 euros taxes? Fuck that. I paid p and p for France, sure I had not selected Euros as currencyby mistake in the rush, only browsed and ordered and had to specify location but it is expensive enough so fuck you also 44 euros for 100 quid? Absolutely fuck off, I emailed them but I am absolutely not paying, this is absurd incompetence. [in the end I had to as I urgently needed the clothes. Unfortunately, no commercial gesture of tax refund from Arsenal was forthcoming, they are polite but probably the least customer-centric customer service I have encountered. Or maybe it’s a sign/evolution of our ever more capitalistic/profit-oriented world…]

12.03 still no sign of nurse, is it going to be later again?

12.30 so after Tuesday’s OK and managing not to call, I am going to call to be sure about a rough time perhaps, think it may be until 13 they do their round, but no indication though and I haven’t done my jab because of it. I am neither pleased nor impressed at the non-regularity. I left a message just asking what time they would turn up. [12/3 looking back, yes now I feel silly, it CAN’T be that regular and I have to adapt, I am not in big need, I just like to know the parameters, another good lesson to be patient and trust, I am not sure where that lack of trust (though not at all instinctive, just reasoned on abstract possibilities) in people in general comes from. Maybe part of childhood emotionally unstable environment?].

And 15 min later no news, so I just have to be patient. [the next two sentences were panic, I didn’t rationally believe it, I really truly wrote unfiltered stream of consciousness crap]. One had better call back at least. Otherwise need to find one this afternoon in emergency not ok at all. Ffs. Cyanide would be quicker to end it all (no I am not quite thinking that, unlike a few days ago, but still feel it’s a situation that is too uncertain). [it isn’t, a few days ago being aware of the more ample than I thought time range, I feel it fine and normal, their job is a lot harder while I just have to wait]. Ok got a SMS now so half an hour. I will eat after. Can relax a bit. Will fetch parcel from the letterbox.

13.58 I bruised/hurt my right hand (the fleshy bit at the bottom on the palm side, below the thumb) while falling down rushing to open the downstairs door for the nurse before she had to ring again. I succeeded but crashed the hand on the edge of the interphone, meaning using the crutches is now also a pain. Bah. Nurse was helpful and good advice so yeah I am going to try and keep my leg elevated a bit more. They aren’t achilles speciallist but do their job well.

Interesting to see in fact how people know or don’t know about specific injuries. She only said no sports yet and it will he painful but I got the feeling the rehab process and duration for this were not things she was familiar with. Mind you, I guess they get mostly old people at home in their job. Also at least now I know time is variable. Will just have to be very early on the 22nd which is good in fact. Also the other one mentioned stitches were made of dissolvable threads [now I see it does say so on the report] so the removing of threads may not be needed? She seemed surprised by the wording on the prescription because of that. So, maybe that’s a good point for the report this time, but on the other hand, not such a good point for the nursing prescription which now proves to also be completely generic rather than adapted to the operation (OK it was done BEFORE the operation, but somehow I suspect the choice of dissolvable stitches was not made at the last minute). So yeah surgeon may be good at surgery but for the rest, lots to improve/update on stuff that is actually given and practical for the patient….

Anyway back to reactions. The nice drunken fellow [mentioned on Monday and the week before] had had crutches before (but a different injury) and said ‘I’ve heard you don’t feel it when it snaps’. And from what you read here and there it seems possible to have a rupture and not quite realise you do, as you can still sort of walk. May not for all cases though, but in my case, I sure felt it, although I didn’t ‘hear’ it as the other common idea goes. But then I guess the violence/noise of the shock itself meant I couldn’t anyway. Might have something to do with partial vs complete too, although on the other hand, maybe complete but neat allows you to put it on the ground anyway (see comment about A&E nurse above; also one of my sisters when she called after the op, mentioned a friend of her husband had had a clean rupture and could also strangely put his foot on the ground and walk- but as Yannick had explained, the really telling thing is you cannot step on your toes).

The downstairs neighbour yesterday (when I went to fetch something from the letterbox, luckily she was there to help me open the heavy building door to get back in) knew her stuff as she said ah yes, boot for six weeks, and mentioned a friend’s different (double ankle break) injury. Today, the older lady (met at the door when I went to get the mail) probably didn’t have a clue when I told her the nature of the injury as she asked if I did that while skiing. Seasonal occupation for sure, but don’t think it’s even a possible skiing injury seeing as skiing is essentially made in a cast?

Either way, each injury is different, but as I know even more now, you can empathise, but it’s difficult to exactly figure out other aspects if you haven’t had it.

——-

Friday 7/3

11.40 you wait all morning for a delivery (that one I was already annoyed to have paid ridiculous taxes on, complete waste of money). And they only ring once. So I missed a couple of seconds before I could reach the interphone and was therefore deemed ‘absent’. Fuck off. You should at least ring twice (people could be in the loo, not just impaired too), or call in advance like others do. In fact UPS do always send me a message when it is Paul Smith. So really it is only fucking Arsenal again, this order is a fiasco and I am not even sure that I will be able to put this through the boot (plus I got the M size through my own mistake for the shorts instead of S). [wrong, as I remembered later, PS use DHL, so it is all down to UPS, not Arsenal; as for the size, M was perfectly fine in the end]. Particularly annoying as the initial delivery window was announced as 8.30 to 12.15, fine, before being more specific first with 7.50 to 9.50 (so beginning earlier, not that fine), then 8.10 to 10.10 (wow, very specific and live adjustment?). By about 10am as nothing was forthcoming I decided to sit near the interphone so I could be quick on it, until five minutes later the window was modified to…10.30 to 12.30 (so extending later than the initial one), from which I gathered I would at least just about have time to wash before waiting again. By 10.25 all I did was waiting, though I elected to be in a more comfortable position in the lounge.

Anyway, other than that, another mixed night, there were works on the tracks again but less noisy so I coped better. Now, following the call I made to complain, they may attempt to deliver again today (we shall see) or Monday (not ideal for emergency clothes). Still, self-reference to this very diary, I managed to kill a bit of time by writing the intro[not the final preface], still planning to do a lot more in the afternoon on this quiet day. Weekend may not be great, can’t go watch the rugby with mates obviously and probably means Alessandro can’t turn up.

Of course the pick-up point being pretty much next door, I have now (12.03) received an email it is there. Don’t quite expect the courier to pick it back up and deliver. So not impressed. [ but no, it was just at this stage an e-mail stating their intention to put it there, so when I understood that a few minutes later (checking the whole e-mail, not just the header), I assumed that once the support person will have passed the message – she said she’d even recorded the circumstances with me not being fully mobile- they would do as she said they would. As it is, I DID receive an e-mail saying it was there, but three and a half hours later. So same thing, instructions not followed, only the confirmation came later.] Have to fetch it later or tomorrow or then ask Ben if he is around tomorrow (other stuff to shop like cereals, but nothing urgent, so if not, I’ll just be skipping breakfast even if I liked the discipline of it). Also hope the Picard delivery person rings twice tomorrow, as there is no alternative, don’t ask me to go to the shop as I wont be able to carry anything that big.

16.22 I am lucky I have some nice colleagues who have enquired about me at one time or another. Fabrice sent me another message this morning, Anne called a few days ago. The football people have been incredibly supportive too.

17.31 well I did manage to fetch the parcel. Thankfully it fitted just in the backpack. Weather is nice. I have to be careful but definitely move better on crutches despite two days’ worth of idleness. I still tire on the way back. But some nice moments. As I exited the residence, a young lad offered to help me. I was practically through the door so not much he could do but I thanked him profusely. I feel grateful (heh, a much better way or lesson than the Buy Nothing group where true gratitude seems occasionally on short supply (I sometimes think of their give, ask, gratitude motto as being get rid, demand and fuck gratitude anyway) – have bumped into some genuinely good people there too though) for people like that, he wished me a good day too. Perhaps humanity is not fucked. Still think education is the key though. Also a random passer-by helped me finish open the door to the shop. The shop lady offered me to sit in a chair (brief panic when I thought the parcel wasn’t there as she seemed to be unsure for five seconds – what if the reality was the one I had asked for and was agreed, not the email?), and the next customer also kindly opened the door out (which would have been more complicated for me this time, pulling it into the narrow space). Back home, post in the box to fetch, so more contorsions, but I handled that Ok. The building door still feels too heavy but I think I am more used to it. Couple of extra tricks learnt/used: don’t lock the door when out for a short time, so no need to get the keys out of your pocket. Also on coming back, use the code rather than the badge on the first door. And one I must always be careful about: zip your side pockets – my selection of clothes is based on these existing even when just moving inside the flat- or things may fall off.

19.46 if there is one positive thing today, it is that, apart from the pressure of the boot that feels a bit too much at times (and feeling the little osteoarthritis on the toe a little too much too), the actual pain from the operation has pretty much subsided to a near-negligeable level. I still take paracetamol, down to three and it is only because I think of it. So probably down to two very soon and if all is great maybe out of it in a week so two weeks overall out of the prescribed month, but then it was always an ‘if in pain’ beyond perhaps the first two or three days post-op. And it has now been a week (how?). No news from any helper so maybe no shopping this week. Maybe Ben will get in touch for the Man U match. Sure lots of help has been offered and I have mostly not taken it since last Saturday.

———