Chapter 8
Week 3 : 15th to 21st of March : Pretending to Fill Time (66 Sleepers To Summer)
Saturday 15/3
6.31 up a little too early. Went to sleep exhausted fairly early too and then had two sequences of what felt like the deepest sleep I have had maybe since the injury. But this only led me to just before midnight and then before 3 or so, so not quite long enough and I will never have a one-shot night (unless on MH drugs perhaps but two years on, I am not going to go and get pills to help me sleep when it is not their theoretical primary function), but that felt great as I am not used to this. So just a couple of light sequences with dreams between wakes after that, brain now a little too active, with a few organisational doubts and existential thoughts on the past and future. So yeah not the totally ideal night at the end (and a good end of night is often the platform for a day of feeling good or better – sports often rights things, but that’s not going to be on the agenda for a while…) yet still an overall better night than lately so hopefully I will at last have the energy to finish the writing/editing [close but no cigar, unsurprisingly an extra few days were required]. I have done a fair bit every day this week but it has felt like more of a task than i wished, so I didn’t go at it full time, taking healthy breaks, probably a good thing, mind, as I still have a lot of ‘free time’ over the next few weeks and it is good to keep a kind of routine with the other activities too. Anywah yeah, it is early but so be it, feel it is too late for another vain attempt to sleep on this time, with the better quality/actual amount I have just had [sleeping recording device doesn’t see a huge difference, apart from the slower average heart rate, but the feeling is important in those cases]. Hopefully I can progress and have even better nights.
There was no urge to eat at night either and I must also admit sleeping with the boot on has felt a lot easier the last couple of night, a lot more comfortable, whether I am getting used to it, or it is a further sign of healing.
12.24 can’t quite work out when or why I see a little blood or not when injecting myself, today, left thigh, only the second time I see a drop, last time it happened was in the belly, and there is a little more bleeding this time in fact, so a light plaster feels required.
19,40 excellent news with A confirming for next week now. No Mrs A unsurprisingly but fair enough. No reply from C so I have at least one spot, maybe two [in fact three, I had miscounted that I had kept an extra so far after A not being able to make it. Also, sadly, C replied later just as I was going to sleep, he was off work and had to spend time in hospital too, so wasn’t able to reply, never mind make it next week. Hopefully he will feel better soon]
Sunday 16/3
9.18 I wasn’t feeling quite ready to attempt a shower even with the plastic oversock (maybe when I get the stool tomorrow), but first time I put the boot out myself fully, so I managed to dip my toes in the soapy waterbasin and clean them a bit (they weren’t too smelly, don’t worry).
11.07 the nurse today asked if they were meant to remove the sutures, I said allegedly yes as it says so in the prescription, but I think there is no need as the other nurse correcly identified their dissolvable nature. Without being certain it is probably why this one was surprised too, on seeing the scar today, it makes sense. [possibly also why the visit the following Thursday was swapped between nurses as the other, from the visit, had assessed it would be the last one that is cut-related]
Monday 17/3
6.18 similar night again but probably up a little too early. Felt i was sleeping better in the end but there is still a bit of brain calm ultimately missing. RHR down to 43 incredibly now. Had an odd dream to finish the night (maybe a reason I couldn’t fully get back to skeep as trying not to completely forget it, K calling (don’t have her number so it wouldn’t have appeared on the screen, also some details not coherent with reality, not that dreams ever really are) being difficult to hear as a distant tiny voice and then her mum getting on the phone all conversational but this was getting nowhere until I woke up.
8.15 I felt clumsy at brekkie today, dropping stuff etc. And I am feeling particularly lazy right now this morning. Realising I have managed not to stay idle so far, but haven’t been beyond the letterbox for ten days either…
It’s odd to wonder about where the last two weeks went, reminds me of the first lockdown in some ways (incidentally I am right now realising it started exactly five years ago today), although obviously I am less mobile and the only person locked down…
16.23 fairly upset. The day was going ok ish despite the start, I managed to get a few things done. But the Monoprix delivery was a (sort of) catastrophe. With the progress display I knew the driver was near so sat near the interphone. So far so good. As I opened the door, I said ‘2nd floor’. He didn’t say a word so I thought he’d heard. But a minute later he rings the interphone again which I find odd. I still say 2nd floor (while pressing the door and speak button, have to say the new interface freaks me out a bit, but also that since these were installed, I had always been heard). The door is open anyway so I didn’t need to press the door button. But then there is a third time, he does ask what floor so I say it again. But still no lift noise, nothing after a couple of minutes, I start to despair, wondering why he didn’t call (on the phone) at all (I did wonder already the first time once I thought he would be in). He eventually calls….from his van, and moaning. I tell him straight it is on the second floor and he pretty much asks me to come down and threatens to leave. So I lose my temper a bit saying ‘merde’ in distress (but no other swearword and not particularly having a go at him though I do clearly sound rather pissed off), telling him I can’t as I am on crutches. As he calls me out for having been angry and said merde, I do apologise (and I do feel guilty of not having been irreproachable, but remember above, I didn’t wake up feeling great, and sometimes even if you feel better, these things catch up again when a negative event enters the equation) I am not certain what he will do, until a minute or so later, the downstairs door rings again and he eventually comes up. Grumpy as you like. I apologise again explaining I did speak every time, but anyway the delivery is done, bags dropped at the entrance, and curt goodbyes. I still wish him good luck for the rest of his round, but I have to admit that the heart isn’t in it and I feel down.
Thoughts colliding as I slowly move the bags metre by metre towards the kitchen, reflecting that every time I make a mistake, I pay the price mentally, as if I always had to be perfect while the others don’t. Sure it is not quite like that and maybe I am too demanding with myself, but the thing is really I always try to put myself in other people’s shoes while some don’t do it. On seeing me with boot and crutches, he probably could have if not apologised (I am sure he did nothing wrong in his mind -perhaps not having the phone with him to call rather than in the car?), at least shown understanding in action if not words. Mind you, writing as I do now and especially recalling every step above, I am thinking I could have done better, but still, I put myself near the interphone to minimise risk or delay, I did the apologising. So yes I lost my cool, yet still I am the only one making an effort of understanding the other’s circumstances. I felt so down for a few minutes thinking I couldn’t do anything for the rest of the day, but looking back, I maybe didn’t do THAT much wrong. Also now I have experienced all types of delivery drivers, eh? It normally is easy as I can get to the interphone quickly, or go downstairs, but the Monoprix shopping was a first. Yet, there are those who call ahead, the easiest to deal with. Those who only do the basic (one ring, no advance warning, but here were fresh products so he couldn’t), those with no warning who make the minimum or a bit more effort (either letterbox, or, as I had another one this morning, put it in the lift without coming up), and those who, advanced warning or not, when talked to, go all the way, and they are often the ones who are the most polite and smiling. So today wasn’t great, on a so rare and limited interaction with humans of the real world. Perhaps a sober reminder that not everyone is great and nice. But not a reason to be down (hopefully I will feel OK tomorrow, the rationalisation here does not cheer me up that much, just an acceptance that I make mistakes, others do too, but not everyone seems to be ready to acknowledge their own failings — while knowing that mentally that event still affects me) or stop being me.
17.30 bloody hell, nurse just called and she has to come in early because of the blood test. I mean earlier than I thought so 6.30am. Better go to sleep early and put an alarm clock on then! I was hoping it would be like Monday last week more 8.30 but hey-ho, needs must. Keep some writing for tomorrow then, though I still want to do some proof-reading, not done any yet today. My timing is not so well organised, this week I am getting behind. Heh, to think I initially wanted to be done over a week ago…
Tuesday 18/3
5.35 I was hoping to sleep better but no, earlier so not so low on RHR (47 is highest in a week and was early in the njght) an despite the clock set for 6.15 as a safety mechanism, I find myself not feeling able to sleep on. Work to do on myself still in these situations. Hopefully for saturday I will progress. Sure I am used to that way when having to wake up early but I hoped in context I’d do better this time, what with having nothing else to stress about.
6.52 so apparently the threads are gone, I have finished scarring already? I arranged for early visit on Saturday (explained the trip so she said she will put the bandage one last time). I hope she will give me a more precise time on Friday night. So kind of all done after 22 days and, bar the blood tests, no more nurses visits.
So not 40 days. But she did say at the start standard two weeks, bit bizarre she adds plaster will also no longer be needed though, when prescription is 40 days. Different type of scar or is he really doing the post-op wrong. Worse case scenario? Thing is yes if there’s no more cleaning of wound needed maybe I can cope with the plasters myself in any case…. Right now it doesn’t quite look clean enough for me and it still requires handling. We shall see Thursday or definitely Saturday. I am out of post-op specific plasters kits on Monday, will be both out of bandage (can order online anyway or pay without refund) and out of the good plasters by Saturday.
Definitely must book physio this week, she said it may be hard…which makes me wonder about the one I am about to try….mind you I didn’t check dates, maybe wasn’t wise to delay and I was too optimistic/confident once more.
8.54 attempting to set up request for home physio was complicated, mostly because of how the doctolib app works. Sadly couldn’t specify which physio. Spotted one that had appointments in location next week I probably would be able to go but I prefer to have at least one or two sessions at home before assessing what’s best.
Also was redirected to Paris not Châtenay at some point which was confusing. But OK now I have made the request (demand is a ‘faux-ami’) but not sure how it works or when I will get a replu so if nothing in the next few days, I will have to revert to going there, which is fine, well maybe….
Anyway that is one thing set. I’ve done a list and know which one I want to see if I heave the choice when going there next.
09.56 managed the plastic sock+shower on a stool manoeuvre. Not that easy perhaps but doable with focus. One wedge off so we shall see if that works too or is painful (instructions were to put it back if I feel the strain too much).
17.15 blood test results, hmmm I am still within range but the value keeps climbing it is not so great…next couple will be crucial maybe (needless worry again, I suspect).
20.58 after a day with one less wedge, well the position is certainly more natural less tipping forward, and the boot less tight, but the foot possibly feels a little more strained too though no unbearable pain. Stay on one Doliprane for a couple more days maybe then see. This weekend could be very taxing.
Wednesday 19/3
6.51 kind of wish I’d slept longer but again I went to sleep early. Then in a repeat of the previous night, the brain felt too active at 3.something am, though I eventually managed to settle down and sleep for a bit. 49RHR though is a sign of finally losing fitness, or having been a little more stressed? [I know, these are still very low values for most people, the variation is still not high (compare to January 2023 for instance), I am micro-analysing too much, even if it is not completely insignificant as I feel the difference]
Anyway during agitated times this night, on top of stuff I have to do and organise over the next few days, I thought of work and how 10 or maybe 20 years ago I would have been replying to some emails or attending meetings. But I am not the same in that respect anymore. Can’t remember if it was the first or second operation I had but because I don’t enjoy doing admin stuff and it seemed too much hassle, rather than send the needed forms, I used my remaining holidays in lieu of sick leave.
Then there was a time a few years later when with not going away during my 4 weeks holidays in May I basically worked from home before it was a thing. These days I am cutting off work completely. Because I am not so naive to think I am indispensable and even less to think that the company cares. Sure the boss maybe would appreciate but I have seen all the shapes a hint of abuse can take, even if simply taking my availability for granted. I was always a bit too spontaneous in replying to people, but I have learnt a lot over the last few years.
That is why I also logged into the laptop to disconnect from the Teams system a couple of weeks ago, as I got a couple of messages already (you get notified by email a few hours later if you don’t read them on the tool – I still check the e-mails though won’t reply). Including one from a person involved in the Stockholm project I was working on. Now, the day after the injury, I had told one of the guys that I might try to attend a meeting the following week but maybe mot (in the end I decided for the reasons explained above to not repeat the ‘errors’ of the past), as I had the old reflex of still wanting to be involved in projects I liked and thinking maybe it would help pass some time. He had, I suppose, passed the message on to others during that meeting, but that other guy sent me a message on Teams basically saying ‘sorry to hear about the injury but let us know when you are back able to help us’. I can’t remember the exact formulation though I can look it up, or if it involved a get well soon bit (probably, let us be fair), but while in a way this was a flattering message of ‘we need you because you’ve done a great job that the customer appreciated’, there was also a very clear ‘the important thing – and I think it may have been actually explicited that way, not just my feeling – is when are you back?’… er, no, so i obviously didn’t even consider replying. Again, I don’t care so much about endearing myself to others from a professional point of view anymore: I decide but won’t be pressured, and even if there is a part of me that regrets giving a negative answer, I think it’s healthier that way. I am maybe not completely such a soft touch anymore, which doesn’t make me unprofessional, but I am responsible towards myself first and foremost.
Anyway yeah, with the Vienna thing and this project (also had another query by email for one of the UK projects), I feel I am losing touch with a lot of things and it is a shame as it will all have to be rebuilt, and I have even more doubt about work going forward. But really I have to focus on myself and recovery now (hell even my boss said so), and not get trapped in ways that happened those years ago.
Sure sick leave is different from holidays, particularly as I am feeling mentally able, and the physical impairment is just mechanical, but still, I am very much officially and administratively ‘on leave’. Also not trying to take on too many things and overreach again. I guess my perspective on these things changed over time, but it is a choice I make.
17.32 warm enough for balcony sunshine. I used to not make plans because of uncertainty but I was changing that behaviour recently, yet here I am this [birthday do] was a big plan and now something happened that nearly that nearly thwarted it, certainly affected it in a big way. Shall I go back to never planning? Don’t think so, just accept the unpredictable sometimes happens and is not a basis for (not) building. So more vulnerable but also more serene in a way: if I’d had to miss my own birthday do, it would have been annoying, but I don’t think it would have affected me so much negatively, neither now nor in the past in fact. The idea even appealed, but clearly it is better than I can make it and enjoy it, and I can see that rather than prefering the sacrifice. Also it would have been frankly bizarre and awkward for a few people who don’t all know each other to meet for my birthday in my absence…
Thursday 20/3
6.20 (back to RHR44), I have got a slightly shifted bed/sleep pattern which promises a catastrophe of exhaustion on Saturday maybe. It is kind of OK to wake up early as i go to bed early and anyway on Saturday I will need to wake up early, but likely I will badly fade at the end of a day which will be more tiring. And I still feel lazy in the mornings.
11.06 as I have just been reminded, today is officially the first day of Spring. And? Lovely weather but still a bit cold for shorts in particular, probably should have opted for joggers again today.
12.26 well Saturday just got a lot easier. First when I saw the same nurse as Tuesday I was like ‘shit, so does that mean it is the other one on Saturday then and things may still have to be arranged’? But as it is, she confirmed the scar was healed (maybe a minor suture left to disappear at the bottom) so all should be OK. Still have a plaster put on for protection against skin rubbing against sock or boot essentially (though she didn’t even think it indispensable), that I can take off for good on Sunday, bandage just in case (as I had one left, I thought I might as well use it) but really I could shower in full. I had a little alert on getting to open the door again as I rushed (was getting used to a later time so not completely ready as I had to save an edit and put the iPad down), just hit the boot heel a touch too hard on the floor, sure with the boot it is softened, but I was worried it was a very bad thing, which played a small part in me asking for the bandage. Anyway, only the weekly blood tests left to do on Mondays or Tuesdays so easier now. Also nothing left to fetch from the pharmacy, apart from the last five injections if need be.
The bandage was protective, not for keeping the foot in position (the boot does that, as she said), so really me keeping it for a few more days is just psychological. One thing I can think of though, is that when showering or dressing, it reminds me not to make any stupid movement or contact yet. But again I am not sure what I am supposed to do. Really need physio ASAP. Limits of doctolib, I will have to go next week but probably won’t be a Tuesday appointment now so it is fucked. Will keep plaster for protection, bandage is no use, looks like I truly am scarred. Will try to take a photo Sunday mabe to have a look.
So really it is all about physio now which makes the lack of reply annoying and mean I might start a week later than planned, not good!
Friday 21/3
8.06 Feeling a little despondent today. Went to bed very early last night again, predictably, as exhausted, didn’t even last until half-time of the football. Thought I was sleeping OK-ish but it doesn’t show, woke up a bit too early around 6am again. Feeling low on motivation but have some stuff to do and. Think the physio thing is getting me low too with it not being sorted as it is the huge main next step. Need to finish the write-up (minor edits and a preface, essentially) do some admin stuff and prepare for tomorrow. Nothing huge now, not sure I feel stressed (but back up to 49 RHR at night so it wasn’t that peaceful, see, as I wrote somewhere above, these values somewhat tell a story about calm at night – more incredible is that sometimes even at work I can go well below 50 if not moving), just a little low. Less sunshine this morning and rain forecast over the weekend, also I know it is going to be a huge effort, maybe too big after weeks of staying in with little human contact. Also why I would prefer home physio to start with, all this is making me a little weary, on top of meaning I will need close to two hours extra to just go there and back, I suspect.
RER not working south of Denfert this weekend is also very unfortunate timing, not sure how to go to the station tomorrow, need to discuss with Ben.
14.12 I’d better finish and finalise a preface now. I don’t expect a lot to happen for the rest of the day, I am sure thoughts will collide, but I may be too busy to write. Also, it makes sense to finish this first (and last?) instalment today, before the big trip to London. I am both looking forward to and truly dreading it. I have little doubt that I will be stressed and sleeping badly, but hopefully no real panic. I must get very organised tonight already. I am thinking there will be a lot of issues I will not have anticipated, some I only see more clearly now. Getting from point A to point B. Even the trip to Gare du Nord in the morning. I thought maybe bus+Line 4 would be the easiest. But then does Line 4 at Gare du Nord have escalators (or lifts?) to go up? I don’t know and don’t want to take a chance. It makes me realise that in the future I may just look at every metro stations differently, from the point of view of steps and access, just in case. RER B to Gare du Nord I know by heart, but the line closure this weekend really complicates things.
I started the day not feeling so well, and it’s been a lot of ups and downs. Early afternoon I felt a little more settled, now on the down again. I can manage these days, but it doesn’t make them very pleasant.
Anyway, these may (or may not) be tales for a next instalment, but in a way, I am also happy that this will provide a break pretty much in the middle of my ‘booted’ time locked at home (with, annoyingly probable physio trips out as it stands). The next three weeks, without all the nurses visits, and without the writing (totally or essentially) might not be easy, I will have to get differently busy.
(18.23 sadly it looks like I really fucked up the physio appointment by trusting the doctolib app. No news still, and checking available slots here and there now, I will start with a delay of more than ten days, and maybe not with the one I had earmarked, which pisses me off in a big way as this is the most important bit for me. Shows that sometimes I should go ahead with all possible backup plans, allowing for the possibility to cancel an appointment even if I don’t mean to. Not a happy bunny, though I guess two weeks delay is not the end of the world. Except it goes against all I was planning).