Forewords (The Good Fight)

The real preface

Friday 21/3/2025

15.51

I originally put a few words together outlining the genesis of this diary and a few ideas behind, and it will appear below. March 9 it was, so nearly two weeks ago. I hadn’t even finished writing the main pages yet, although I was deluding myself that this would only require a couple more days, but as usual, in my rush (perhaps Primary should be my real Cure song) to already want to put those introductory thoughts down, I had written that ‘introduction’, even knowing full well, it could not be definitive.

I still have to proofread that original, suspect it will be so heavily overlapping with this one I could dispense with it, but we shall see. [and now I see it is a very very differnt take with a little overlapping and both texts complement each other well]

But while writing the main retrospective body of the first four days may not have taken so much time in itself, editing, proof-reading (while adding ‘live’ entries to be edited and reviewed themselves) proved a lot more time-consuming. And that’s on top of not having the energy and motivation to ‘only’ do that with my days.

Either ways, kudos to all the sub-editors of this world, it’s a thankless task as I see it now.

Of course, reading back, on top of the literally hundreds of typos to correct(I very often type approximately to be quick, and the iPad touchkeyboard is not my friend, so have to reconstitute words from the probable meaning/proximity of keys) and style to partially improve (though it is still a mess), I thought of things I had forgotten to mention, precisions to add, and relativised takes: some of the spontaneous thoughts were a little raw and unfiltered and needed re-evaluation or precision. So in all the chapters, you will find parts in square brackets ([ ]), and they will always be comments added later than the initial write-up (I was going to say ‘entries’, but this is also true for the non-live written Part I). I may have suppressed a sentence here or then, but there is practically no self-censorship, and I preferred to add those square- bracketed comments rather than re-write and alter the original state of mind, whichever way it may or may not reflect on me.

While I have tried to cut most redundant bits, there will be some, which should probably not come as a surprise, as being home alone on my own during this time, circular thoughts quite naturally occur, either from a day to another, or sometimes many times the same day.

The thing is, the initial idea, based on the early days when I was much out and about and interacting with a lot of people and new situations, I thought there may be enough interesting ideas to make it all worth relating. I wanted just amusing observations and positive thoughts, witty takes etc.

I might have made some of these online here and there, spontaneously, while the recounting here does not appear to have that spirit.

The reality however, was that except for a couple of forays outside I had no choice but to make, I don’t have a social enough online life (I had more in the past perhaps) or a big fantasy world to trigger that many interesting thoughts and situation: being stuck between four walls was always likely to mostly lead to boring thoughts.

And so everything became more dull and repetitive, and the entries shorter.

Of course, while the whole thing is of little interest anyway, I could make it even worse if I was always writing: woke up, had cereals, went to the loo, had a shower, went to bed.

So while there is some (a lot?) of it, I have tried to focus on injury/impairment-related situations, plus maybe a few tangential but personal thoughts they triggered.

There may, or may not be a sequel, I am undecided. At the moment, it doesn’t really appeal. Sure there will be more and more situations as I start going out at some point (maybe we can call a further part ‘Beyond the Letterbox’ – thanks Aidan), and perhaps the road to physical rehab until I (hopefully) step onto a football pitch again could be narrated, but there is no video to follow me, and I am not a professional player, so I’m not sure there is an audience for that.

There is no doubt this is an introvert’s work. An extraverted introvert perhaps (something I touch upon elsewhere on this website), but still very much, especially in these circumstances, turned back towards himself even temporarily.

As I have certainly been very active in recent years, certainly on the sports front, someone at the outset said they feared I’d feel ‘like a lion in a cage’. But while I was certainly fairly restless at the start, I very much adapted and got used to the calm and slower timescales for everything. The opposite of the ‘growing restless’ you could have expected. Sure, the next few weeks might be testing, I do enjoy being with people as much as my own company (more in fact, I can even occasionally be the ‘life and soul of the party’ but it does take a lot on me), but all this helped me remember that, like any introvert, I do need alone-time to recharge the batteries sometimes, and it does actually help me be me. I just have a little too much of it at the moment.

Anyway, before you can read or not from this inner bubble outside the real world of Trumps, Putins and etc., I will explain a little more about each section to finish this introduction.

Part I was written as a recap from memory, a few days after the events (for instance Chapter 3, 27/2 was mostly written on 9/3). I was too busy to write it all live (the rare ‘live’ comments for those days, as alluded above, are probably more somewhere or else on the web or messenging systems), so decided that having a day by day narration would be the right way to do it. I had some notes/entries on a couple of the days but decided not to refer to them.

Part II is those entries (only sketchy ones over two days), and offers therefore a fair amount of redundant thoughts with Part I. But as they were more ‘live’ and were the basis I initially wanted to start with, I decided to keep them. Besides, they are maybe more ‘realistic’. On proof-reading Part I, whether that reflects on when I wrote it, or is my perception on this past more eventless week (this cannot be exluded, maybe it will appear different to you), I thought it all came out rather appeased and serene, or more than it felt at the time, because those first days certainly were a huge struggle.

It is a natural effect of distance perhaps, but also means it differs a bit too much from the ‘reality’ as it was perceived ‘live’. One typical example is the memory of physical pain. Looking back at this event or other years ago, I always think ‘it wasn’t that bad’. But it may not be true. Although on pain, the fact I didn’t need to move from Paracetamol is a fair indication that it wasn’t too bad after the operation.

Part III is just a live journal as intended (but with added retrospective comment when editing/proofreading, as explained above).

I have put the days of the week on top of just the date, for readability perhaps, but the truth is days blended onto each other and were not always easy to identify, and the original entries just had dates (the way they still appear in the rawer Part II) in fact.

Finally, you might be intrigued about the ‘sub’- title of each chapter. I mention a recent single from a band in Chapter I, and when I thought it would make a cool sub-title, I wondered about doing so for each chapter. I could have picked from say, a lot of song titles. Or just Cure songs? But I decided to try to stick to that one band, despite them not having such a huge discography. And somehow, while I can’t say everything fits perfectly, I found it could work. The band? It’s really not hard to work out, so I will let you do the research.

The original preface

7/3 10.44

I am writing a little intro now, knowing that I still have an enormous lot of work to do to edit/rewrite/write the first days at least. Normally you should wait, to write it as a preface, but I am keeping my shambolic not-a-writer-style. [still felt I needed to write a pre-preface above, it is a recursive process really]

As it is, I was very busy the first few days between the accident and the operation, although that is obviously when most of the thoughts/new things/new ways occur.

Now I am in a different phase, quite boring really, trying to keep or find a focus, but not much happening and no progress yet possible, so really, not much to write, whether I stop the diary or not. Thankfully, the still lovely weather (and a little less cold) helps keep the mood steady after a few ups and downs.

But where do I start? The idea and doubts about this diary perhaps.

It is not a new thing. At various points of crises (or beyond), I have always been writing (or typed from 2013) a lot of diary-type stuff. Often incoherent, and pretty much totally illegible(scribbled or full of…typos doesn’t cover it), whether in handwritten form or ‘typed’ form on the iPad, as if I would really need to have my thoughts transcribed as they happen. Now I am learning to take the time again, a little bit.

The early words (up to the first crisis in 2001) I threw away on moving apartments in 2014, as I needed to free some space. Regrets? Nah, it was a lot of drivel, sometimes intense, maybe helpful if someone was into psy research, but again, it could mostly not be deciphered.

The latter stuff exists here or there mostly in draft emails but again, not worth a lot. This website is probably a more intelligible body of ‘work’. Anyway yes, it is a natural tool or refuge for INFPs apparently, or certainly for introverts anyway. I wasn’t quite aware of that though, overdid it, knew it might have a measure of self-therapeutic effect but often felt I was just being self-indulgent instead of living a life that didn’t seem to totally be happening at times.

So, back to the 2025 present, fairly naturally, in the hours I eventually settled back home after the accident on Tuesday 25 February, I had the reflex to write. Or rather to think of writing. One of my immediate thoughts was ‘no, let’s not get back there’, later at night mixed with ‘but with the website, maybe I can make it more ‘publishable’’. The idea was that if I could put a lot of observations/reflections, amusing, deep or highly superficial, it could bring an interesting light. [now I’m not sure it does, as I have kept it as a fairly raw testimonial, rather than conceived as any sort of ‘oeuvre’ (for lack of another word: ‘piece of work’ maybe? Heh, not in that sense, I don’t think I am)].

As it is and still having to fill some yet unwritten gaps and having to try and remember some of the thoughts that occurred or when they did, I have no idea how this will turn out.

I tried to take some quick notes when I didn’t have the time, but it might not all come out with chronological accuracy.

Once back after the operation, left on my own and with not so much to do, it became a lot easier to reflect with only short delay, but at the same time, as mentioned above, the ‘novelty’ wore off.

There will still be targets, milestones, difficult and funny moments, so I haven’t yet set in stone a cut-off point for writing. I thought maybe until I can run? Run a half-marathon? But having already done what I expect to be similar to the end of the rehab when recovering from serious tendonitis a few months ago, it might feel like I have done this before. Without the diary, but it would be just technical, I have the comments on an excel file from that process, and you’ve already had the half-marathon training diary, so the added value would be very limited. Perhaps when the protective boot finally comes off or shortly after? We will see how it all feels.

Another reflection that came early (but it was such a dense week) was ‘would I, as an outsider’ enjoy reading what I am going to write? Initially I thought maybe not, I read a lot of crime fiction. But then I remembered that Blaise Pascal’s Pensées as well as François Mauriac’s Mémoires Intérieurs were books I very much appreciated as a teenager for all the thinking they triggered. Maupassant’s Le Horla also, though a bit different and fictional, was a diary-like book I really enjoyed the style of. Sure though, it was then, and I am quite keen on avoiding too much thinking these days, I already do enough. But it means somewhere, if I manage to not completely fuck up the style (unlikely, I know), there may even be a vague audience for my drivel.

Anyway, I have decided to go through with this, if only because I have a lot of time on my hands right now, even if it won’t consume that much after the initial bit is done.

I will consider this (up to…date undetermined yet, different from the overall one?) as part I, though there may never be a part II.