This is probably going to be the hardest page to write (and I’ll only work out a page title after I’ve finished). It’s not that much about books. It’s likely to be very autobiographical. Yet, it’s based on books and comments inspired by them, and a couple of these books are probably the most important ones I read and to some extent help saved me from myself and the trappings I had got into. I was always interested in psychology (far more than psychiatry), I remember a conversation with a fellow student from ENSTB/Aston Uni while in the pub in Birmingham when he asked me what I’d have done if I weren’t to be an engineer (funny how people always ask questions, it’s the most natural thing, I didn’t feel intruded upon that time, though I still sometimes struggle to ask questions when in a too introspective mood, but I find it’s normal now, asking someone about their life doesn’t have to feel like you’re intruding, people give what they are ready to give and that is all – I feel I will digress an ENORMOUS lot in this page…. :-)), and I think I answered two things. A journalist? (now that’s probably what I should have been, the studies I should have pursued, but I might (I think I will, this year has made me wary of people intepreting ‘I might’ in a way I didn’t intend, for me it’s just a possibility, not a commitment and certainly if I say ‘I might ask’ it’s not a demand and it pertains to an undetermined future, but I see in some phrasing it might be, and everyone has their own vision of language (also sometimes remember I am not a native English speaker, anyway I digress again, but I got frustrated once at someone’s interpretation of my words/intentions, but as I often still do, I don’t object because I consider their interpretation legitimate, even if it’s negative thinking)) do one of those planned ‘blogs’ pages about career and work choices). Something to do with the mind/psychology? Yeah, that was the other one I mentioned, though I think that one would never have been a realistic career for me. I have always been fascinated by thought processes, emotional reactions, and the way the human brain/mind/feeling works. Sure I’m the king of hindsight more than foreseeing people’s reactions but I do very much like to understand how it all works. People don’t generally bother, but maybe that will also be another topic, process vs results (and I don’t oppose them, in the same way I am both a style and substance lover).
I didn’t at that time have any particular experience of people with mental illnesses, nor had I got close to the near-total destruction of my ‘self’ that happened much later. Anyway, that will do for an introduction. I will possibly take risks there, talk too much, but never mind. It’s not so much that the internet allows but that I feel more comfortable now talking about a lot of things (it would be possible to actually ‘talk’ but it’s not like opportunities often arise, and it’s not needed, maybe by putting things here, I don’t feel I need to talk anymore). I guess I’ll start from books and my chronological encounter with them.
There’s one thing I will mention already but might insist on later: if you want to read about personality disorders/mood disorders, whether as a curiosity, whether as involved with someone with a disorder, or whether trying to check yourself (vain pursuit, checking the internet you might think you have every problem in the world or nearly, but in this field as much as in ‘normal’ medicine (nah, probably more), self-diagnosis is dangerous, but that doesn’t mean a professional will necessary give you the ‘correct’ diagnosis, especially not first time, so don’t fall for ‘oh that explains everything about me’, and certainly don’t fall for ‘this EXCUSES everything I do’, I’ll come back at some point to explain vs excuse, because I fell very badly in that trap about someone- it was my issue to solve, not theirs)), go for books by actual clinicians/specialists (seems to me like the PhD people get it right), rather than lay people who claim to know everything, or those who say they have been victims or have this or that illness, etc. Sure you will get some decent points on these books too (but then nice people can be mean, mean people can be nice at times, and the same way, people who are generally wrong can be right, and vice-versa), but you will mostly get their very personal viewpoint/experience (just like you will get mine here), rather than a broad non-judgmental/analytical/clinical view of things. You need to take things with a pinch of salt if reading those books. More on that later, though I won’t mention the specific books (but yeah one book in particular irritated me, someone really constantly referring to their other books, but then, a lot of people try to ride the wave of interest in ‘narcissism’ and are just there exploiting people’s gullibility for a quick buck). The website quora is a decent source of information too, though again, you get clinicians as well as individuals, so some personal experiences, and once more, you may notice someone peddling a book (but using other people to do so, or, I suspect, themselves using several logins….the internet is such a broad field for abusing and manipulating people). But I’m getting, once more, ahead of myself.
On to the books, some are distant in the past, so I’ll just deliver impressions as remembered.
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Shar I. Manning, PhD). The story goes: someone I knew said more or less that they couldn’t take criticism and that one should never be allowed to criticise them (something I mostly don’t do, but that’s a different story, I’ve been even more wary since though). So a random internet search led me to BPD. As it is, it probably wasn’t quite right (and I won’t pretend I am an expert or have knowledge, but let’s say all the reading in the end, confronted with about 8 years of naturally but not deliberately finding myself analysing someone’s behaviours as well as my own, I got to know and ‘understand’ someone better; though I don’t think I can truly have the tools to understand, I’m generally pretty good at putting myself in other people’s shoes – or sometimes just what I think they are, and that can lead to crucial mistakes as I see possibilities, not always the other’s perceived reality: I can’t fully emulate a mental disease I don’t have), but though I lost the way at some point, I probably wasn’t far off the truth (comorbidity can be subtle, and everything in that domain exists on a spectrum), possibly something about Cluster B.
Apologies by the way, I see I have resorted to my very old style of imbricated brackets. It’s a stream of thoughts, but means you need to reread without the bits inside the brackets to make sense of the sentence that will have been lost in the aparté. I’m not sure how to structure this differently though, I try to stay close to the thought process, but get back to the point somehow to give a finality.
So the book itself, made some sense, gave me some pointers, things to do better etc. If you are actually living with someone with BPD, it’s definitely a good book to read and come back to regularly.
Loving Someone with OCD (Karen J. Lansman, PhD). Now that was for someone officially diagnosed. And that confused me completely. A lot harder to match and also getting the idea that lots of people have some level of OCD. Whether my person with OCD had OCD or not, I definitely don’t think it was their main problem, but as I said above, diagnoses need to be refined, and it’s not easy anyway because even in a relationship with patient/psychiatrist or psychologist, I guess you only get a partial view. And a doctor cannot study a single patient. Anyway, this page is turning as confused as I thought it would. It’s kind of deliberate, I don’t particularly have a point to make there, it’s the books from years later that made me want to write this page. So yes, interesting book, but I can’t remember feeling able to apply it much. Note also that while it is interesting, I have no further interest/purpose in studying all disorders, just the ones I encountered or think I did, and the ones that made me wonder. But this was 2014 (weirdly, checking back on when I got this particular book, it seems like less than a month later I fell apart in the face of what I can only see now as gaslighting, while trying to find a coherent structure of someone else’s words and actions, and I definitely don’t think that’s part of the OCD picture…), and you have to jump to 2021 for the rekindling of my interest in such ‘mental’ topics. I got completely lost in the meantime. The next books will be mostly about NPD, or borne out of studying it. Truth be told, I could/should have wondered and studied that long before, but sadly, the first time I heard of that was through being told in French. And the phrase was ‘pervers narcissiste’. Which didn’t sit well with me, not only because I didn’t want to see that in someone, but also because it felt dismissive/judging, and negative. Which still to this day I can never feel like being. All these years later when further research lead me to see ‘NPD’, I was much more comfortable studying the topic from a clinical point of view. It’s a disease. It’s not a choice. I’ll move to the books and this page will mostly turn into reflections on certain versions of that disease. Probably says a lot more about me than about anyone else, but I can’t ever see myself as a ‘victim’ anyway, and I don’t think I was. Sure, a ‘normal’ and kind person doesn’t exploit your weaknesses, and if they see them, they might avoid them, or try to help you fix them (actually, the strange thing is I think, in some ways, at some points, she did try that, but that’s the complexity of, in my opinion, a genius who possibly would want to do so much good because they have so much ability, but can’t help their bloody illness, and sadly it cannot ever not be a factor, to try to understand the ‘whole’ person), but the weaknesses were always mine to fix, may not ever be completely fixed, and so I take my part of responsibility. Although, as it became much clearer to me later, I was doing an enormous lot of work excusing some unacceptable behaviours. I understand them better, but the truth is, with my ability to project goodness and my extreme difficulty in understanding and accepting deviousness or meanness, I did a lot of mental gymnastics finding a ‘rational’ explanation to some behaviours that made it acceptable or allowed for a kind interpretation of words and attitudes. But yeah, that’s because I didn’t want to believe my instinctive perception when it meant the other person was being quite subtly nasty. As I found out later, that sort of ‘over-rationalisation’ is a staple of caretaking behaviour. If I try to be more precise, I wasn’t so much ‘excusing’ bad behaviour as twisting things to give them an acceptable (in my world) explanation. But most people don’t see it that way, and I ended up at times defending the totally indefensible. Now (but too late) I’ve grown to accept that you can understand the mechanisms without having to excuse someone’s behaviour. And I can be much more me, and less fearful.
Anyway, I’m moving to the next book because I’ve already moved to the next huge topic in these few extra lines..
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life (Margalis Fjelstad, PhD). I’m doing books in the order I got them, so not gradual importance. But this is THE book that made a difference to my life. Now somehow (see the bit of musings in one of the music sections for a little more), after the realisations of December 2020, and also thanks to a few circumstances, in the first half of 2021 I had started to get a bit more of a grip on things, disenmesh somehow, be more myself, do the things I wanted to do, and….caretake less. But it wasn’t conscious, just a natural process, breathing again. Sure there were setbacks (by then and following Covid and also thank to a bit of trickery I’d say in late Spring that year, everything was online by then, and so detached from reality in a certain relationship), basically me feeling guilty of going missing at times of someone else’s need. But I’d learnt to rely on other people to take their part of care, and that the insane and unhealthy pressure I put on myself to be available at any time day and night (and unasked for, that’s one of the parameters, that part was entirely my active doing, though later events showed I could only lose one way or the other, damned if I did, damned if I didn’t) was becoming unmanageable as I was not even getting any ‘benefit’ out of it. Anyway, that summer somehow, I looked in to the ‘N’ word. Was it because at last the words from 2014 seemed worth investigating, now that I was recovering some level of freedom in my thinking and being? I don’t know, somehow, I started researching online (though it led to a couple more mistakes trusting someone I should not have trusted as they had become a better secondary supply (you could say that), but it was too early and I didn’t get a whole or good picture, so I clumsily re-used some words at a time when I felt unsettled). And I found this book. The abstract seemed interesting and it appeared to have the huge appeal that it talked about ‘me’. It talked about caretaking, it shifted the focus not on the NPD/BPD person (that’s also when I found how close the two illnesses are related, which maybe went some way to explain my initial mistake), but on solving the problems of the caretaker. And it was a huge revelation. And what I liked about this book, is it essentially pulled no punches. It was not judgemental of the BPD/NPD (though it doesn’t really offer solutions for the NPD/BPD, but that’s not its point, I did however in parallel found some stuff on the web that gave me hope that a NPD-afflicted person can somehow improve if not solve themselves but it’s a very long and taxing process, why would someone who is high-functioning undertake it when they seem to mostly get away with things without too much damage?- though there’s a lot of damage, both ways, and so far I consider myself lucky because I could maybe have totally self-destructed, as it is you can’t escape totally unscathed, you are marked, but if you avoid falling into paranoia and seeing monsters and conspiracies everywhere, you’re on solid ground), but it very clearly highlighted the problems with the ‘caretaking’ type. Deep issues. Now, on the web you can find different things (also I have recently seen this concept of caretaking with a slightly different name, ‘echoism’), and the stunning revelation is that there is A LOT in common between the caretaker and the ‘narcissist’ (like most credible authors, I would like to highlight that here I am using ‘narcissist’ as a lazy shortcut for ‘person with NPD’, but that’s probably entirely different from the classical idea of a ‘narcissist’). But they are also opposites. Of course, the main difference will always be that NPD is a disease, caretaking is (as far as I know) not. So a caretaker will be more able to change and get out of their shit habits a little easier. In this particular case, yes I think I was a caretaker (and while one maybe never completely abandon some reflexes, I do like to think of myself more as an ex-caretaker than just a recovering one now), that probably comes from education/childhood etc. And I can see in so many ways or cases (and the occasional delusion), that I have to sometimes compensate (and I’m clumsy at that), because, for all I know, there have been a couple of times, when I thought ‘hang on, people could think I’m acting like a ‘narcissist’ there’. Well, one thing somehow in common between narcissists and caretakers is perfectionism, and I sure am occasionally guilty of that (remember one of my sisters complaining about that once). Have to say though, these are just fears, because in the face of real life interactions I don’t think (and from experience) anyone really thinks that. But yeah, complex topics and entanglement between different types of people with so much in common. Sometimes I feel I could write a book. I also remember reading in an article (in French) that victims of narcissism (again I prefer the word ‘target’, you can be a victim, it is not a choice, but in this case I think the broader term applies) are people with ‘failles narcissiques’ who have reacted differently in their childhood. But that’s probably why they are good and identifiable targets. Also, obviously, while most people with NPD are apparently male and a lot of the things you read do use pronouns based on experience or the person who speak rather than ‘inclusivity’, same caveats apply as always in life. Just because one thing is a majority doesn’t mean you exclude the minority, it’s just that most people (I will include myself in this occasionally at least) are a bit lazy when it comes to being precise with language. On the many thoughts that ‘narcissist’ vs ‘caretaker’ triggered in me is this: sometimes if you’re only in contact some of the time with people, you might think that they are very similar, very nice, etc. But their motivations may be totally utterly different. Seen from my point of view, both a NPD and caretaker (at least in my case) can be kind, generous and easy-going. They also can be (but again it’s more down to personality, NPD-afflicted people CAN be introverts, again, my experience…) both very observational rather than ask direct questions. But in the end, the NPD-person will mostly aim to satisfy their own needs, whatever the costs ( and the need can be of reputation/perception, or see the title of a below book, admiration), while the caretaker will mostly try to satisfy other people’s needs (again, that doesn’t make them a saint, it can be a dangerous delusion to think you’re invested in mainly making other people happy before yourself). Similarly, the observation from the NPD could be said to be in view of later exploiting the weaknesses observed (though not necessarily out of cruelty, it can be self-defence in a way – am I again trying to excuse too much? No, I genuinely think that it’s part of the ‘attack if you think you’re at risk’ mindset, it’s all about insecurities really), while the caretaker if they’re shy would like to find all ways to know you better in order to truly understand and help and possibly love you better. And so they don’t directly ask, when they should.
Right, I think I could write a book on this, but I won’t. I’m already giving too much already probably :-).
Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship: A Caretaker Guide’s to Recovery, Empowerment and Transformation (Margalis Fjelstad, PhD). This is the follow-up book, and I probably read this too quickly first time, as I can be quite ‘bulimic’, so get everything at once rather than take the time to digest. Anyway I re-read that at the very end of 2022/early 2023 when I felt I really needed to take the next steps, though I think I wish I’d checked it again a couple of weeks earlier than I did. When I first read it, it made sense, but I had so many things to sort out inside of me, and did mostly my own way as usual. I think I paced it OK though throughout the end of 2021. But there sure are many tips there. Also, I haste to add and respecify that a) nobody I know has been officially diagnosed with NPD (as far as I am aware), just my lengthy observations/insights/detailed analysis of interactions with me and others (and the mention of skeletons in the cupboard, lots of observed projections) etc, make me strongly suspect someone has a form of it. b) even that relationship in all its phases and forms was highly unusual because of both of us and our situations. c) compared to people who have actually been deeply involved and for longer with more malignant ‘narcissists’, I suppose I’ve had it easy, partly due to my own naturally sceptical/too prudent nature. But yes, through these books, I learnt about the things I had an instinct for but never dared apply, never consciously understood, etc. Like boundaries, like not constantly sacrificing my time to reply to everyone’s demands immediately. Reminds me there were plenty of ‘incidents’. But I’ve learnd to ‘put myself first’, well maybe not always completely, but mostly, the difference between caring and caretaking, that it’s not being selfish to not always be selfless. Sure, I might never truly love myself the way some others do (narcissists rather than people with NPD? Inadvertently revealed and certainly true and it is part of the tragedy, but people with NPD hate themselves as much (far more?) as they love themselves, image and reality differ very very wildly), but I’ve grown to love myself more, realise that I actually have some pretty amazing and rare qualities. Sure other factors play (personality, another blog I might post someday, but finding about INFP was a very interesting thing), which make me less ‘out there’ than I possibly should be, but yeah, I’m fine. One of the reflections I made myself and told a friend later that year (2021) is ‘what good am I able to do to anyone if I self-destruct’?. And so it’s true you can’t truly love others if you don’t love yourself a fair bit first. It’s probably just common human sense.
Books on the topic of NPD that I won’t bother mentioning. So after that, I checked a couple of books that mostly infuriated me. Many clichés, so much bullshit, occasionally a few truths and good points but…so I will instead put a few more points about NPD and my perceptions. Most people only see ‘narcissism’ as people full of themselves (with or without the disease, but I’d say most people at large only have a caricatural vision of narcissism that does not factor in the clinical aspect). ‘Covert narcissism’ on the other hand, seems to me like a concept that can only apply to NPD-afflicted people. However, ‘overt’ narcissists probably exist with or without the condition. From my own position, sure I could never ever have been in thrall of an overt narcissist, I’m way too skeptical and not easily impressed. But yeah, I can see how much more naturally one would assume most overt narcissists to be male anyway. There’s also malignant narcissism. Anyway, the point is, lines may easily be blurred, there are things in common and differences. But one of the most absurd things you read sometimes is : ‘narcissists are fundamentally stupid’. I strongly disagree, on experience, and on theory. Because NPD is a mental illness. It’s borne out of genetical factors and also circumstancial and determining elements in childhood. Therefore it affects very clever people and geniuses as well as stupid people. It’s completely unrelated to anything else, just like cancer, it’s not about ‘good’ or ‘bad’ people. Another stupid thing you read is ‘I know how to play with narcissists/take revenge/I’ll show you how to have fun with them’. Again, if that’s your line it says more about you than anything else. Sure I was raised in a (catholic?) way in which revenge is simply not part of the vocabulary. I will not judge if someone seeks retribution for a crime they or their loved ones have been victim of. But in this particular case, as well as pointing out that it can be a fairly dangerous option with an uncertain outcome, I’d say it’s a waste of time and energy. You’re always better off letting go, taking stock and trying to improve yourself, live your own life. Again, everyone reacts differently and as pointed above, I was not badly involved, you could say my own problems were a bigger issue in some ways and I lost so much time and many years (not completely though, life didn’t stop) not daring to break free. Yeah, I’m making a lot of confused points, but one other consideration (again probably easy for me) is that some people want to destroy everything from that past (I’m thinking in particular of objects there, that could be reminders). I don’t. I bear its weight but that’s OK. I love the things I love, and I don’t feel the need to destroy or deny anything just because it is linked to a person in my past. Don’t know if it’s compartimentalising, and sure it might give me a tinge of regret/negative emotion/frustration, it’s not like I feel emotionally detached from all these links, but I feel I can handle the existence of the past that made me how I am in the present. Just because I’m better off without someone doesn’t mean I have to hate them or not care bout them. I just can’t caretake, that’s different. I think I wrote that on another page but ‘turn the page, you don’t have to tear it off’. Hey, I’m dangerously drifting into philosophy now!
Bipolar Disorder: The Ultimate Guide (Sarah Owen& Amanda Saunders). Now I went to diversify as I have a friend (or two) diagnosed Bipolar, wanted to try and understand better, and it was also always something that interested me. I’ve long wondered (I still do to some extent-edit on finally proofreading many months later: not anymore, possibly cyclothymic at a push, definitely not Bipolar)) if I might have Bipolar Disorder or a form of it. I’m none the wiser now to be honest. Ok, so not sure why I went for this book, it’s not by a professional, but it’s by people who have been diagnosed or have them in their family (hell someone in mine has been apparently diagnosed, they told me, but it’s not in the open, and I can’t say I’m close enough to have any inkling, another side auto-biographical note, but in this complex family, there sure is a sizable ‘mental health’ factor at work). Despite that though, it’s a decent book that doesn’t read like a lesson giver but aims to be quite practical and understanding. So worth your time if you’re diagnosed or have someone in your family who is. However, it’s left me as confused as before as to what Bipolar Disorder actually entails. As an aside, there is suggestion here and there that people with Bipolar Disorder could easily be driven mad (and abused) by people with NPD (actually occured to me first when reading about the Bogdanoff brothers when they died, and the bipolar person who was suing them at the time).
The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders (James F. Masterson, MD). Just a brief mention. A specialist in the field, I’d seen him quoted a lot. However, that’s where I reached my limits. If you’re a clinician, probably a great book, but it’s far too technical for me. I somehow managed to force myself to read it all, but have to say that despite a concept or two I seemed to grasp and could make sense of, this went waaaay over my head.
Borderline, Narcissist, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety (Elinor Greenberg, PhD). This one is a bit more of a mix between theory and practice and with a lof ot examples. Very interesting and enlightening book. By this stage you can see that, having gone some way to understanding and fixing myself, I still tried to understand the other side, even if there was nothing left to say or do (everything sorted by then really as far as the past went, though it took that last dip…. into the Healing online course from MF to make me realise that I had truly turned the page and at last felt able to even talk about it all to other people close to me). So yes, this is a very good and interesting book, again more one for therapists, but even as an observer it’s interesting. I was also intrigued about it having a section on Schizoid Personality Disorder (a Cluster A, not Cluster B disorder, but still one that is linked a lot to trouble with ‘self’ and identity) in that book. In all my researches the previous year, I did wonder if I could be suffereing from it. But, as ever, having some stuff in common does not make a personality disorder. So I may have adapted a similar-ish way to what SPD people do within some parameters, but at the same time I fundamentally do not have certain traits that define this. I take pleasure from a lot of activities, and from interacting with people, team sports, etc. Again there will be blogs on various topics, but while I’m most definitely an individualist (again, general public perception of the word may be wrong if you think that means selfish or not-a-team-player), and introverted (another topic to debate, someone piqued my curiosity on that saying it means nothing, and I tend to agree) type, but I’m definitely not a loner and while I need cool-down time to avoid burning out, I definitely seek and enjoy social interactions in real life more than online! Anyway, even then, SPD seems difficult to understand, and the small section on it, I couldn’t connect with. Another factor also, and it’s a thing in common with all personality disorders it seems, is that it gets set in you in childhood (early or late), and some of the factors (again ‘my’ NPD person seem to fit for those ‘triggering’ NPD) that seem to lead to SPD are absolutely not in my childhood. Not that my family wasn’t dysfunctional (it was, though not obvious at first, only one of my sisters pointed out in 2014 that I wasn’t actually raised in an environment that allowed a serene emotional development, and I realise it’s true, I think I always had it easy, but it was not healthy that way, and I was just hiding from all the sometimes latent conflicts), but I wasn’t target or witness of any true abuse.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paul.T. Mason, MS, Randi Kreger). One last foray into that particular avenue (don’t ask me how I came across this book or that, just some amazon search I guess and reading summaries made me interested in one or another), I think I got that because it advertised the addition of a new section on NPD. So yes, as you can see now in all the books, there are so many commonalities between BPD and NPD. In fact, when reading this one, the lines are sometimes blurred, and no wonder I never knew if ‘my’ person had NPD/BPD (or nothing of the sort, I have to keep reminding that I mostly speculate, but let’s say there’s been enough material to be convinced), my thinking is probably both as the comorbidity between both is generally considered high. But then we come back to ‘spectrums’ and Cluster B, though you rarely see the other Cluster B (namely histrionic and antisocial) mentioned in the same breath, so there’s definitely something about BPD+NPD. And I feel the inner state of someone with both is highly explosive for the ‘self’ involved, and they might be fighting with each other inside too. Yeah, I’m mostly talking shit now, but sometimes I do like theories, and especially symmetry.
Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder. A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability (Julie A Fast, John Preston, PsyD). After a long break from studying any kind of disorder, a little bout of depression (I think) that followed a little more of a ‘high’ period (though both had clear triggers/reasons) made me feel like investigating bipolar again, but more in really wondering whether it could apply to me or not. From a ‘detached’ point of view, this a good book with good action points, very practical. Again not sure I can clearly identify (and it’ s not like I’ve been diagnosed, I’m just trying to analyse things purely with impressions and experience, not theoretical knowledge – I realise that’s how I have got by at work so far, people don’t believe me, but I’m really not good on theory, maybe because I’m too lazy to learn, and I prefer empirical/practical/physical impressions, and I may just be intellingent enough to mostly make it work). And again I am none the wiser. Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Cyclothymia. All various degrees of the same thing I guess. There’s no doubt that I have had extreme highs and lows of mood especially in the past (I try to be more in control of my moods now), also my Mum’s Dad was very volatile at times, so there might be history there. But sometimes I think I’m too aware of most things (especially since that big crisis in 2001-2002), so tend to voluntarily avoid extremes, and sadly it means that at times I avoid being too happy for fear of the following setback. Sure it’s not all set like that, and these days I try to be more in the present again, sometimes I feel close to being perfectly fine, but there’s stuff that depends on me and stuff that doesn’t. Sometimes it’s more about personality types than mental things though, and that probably defines me more. Anyway, yes that mood disorder I can identify with to some extent, and I can see a lot of good advice in this book (in a general way, not necessarily all related to Bipolar Disorder in fact!)
I did read one last book by someone with Bipolar, about taking advantage of this affliction. You can file it along ‘irritating books by people who have not been professionally trained’. Very much with too much boasting to my taste. But it’s an odd one. I didn’t give up on it , but at times I found it so vain, at other times more appeased and interesting giving some decent advice. But again, is it just generic life advice, or something specific to people with Bipolar Disorder? And where do I fit there?
And that’s it for this section (for now anyawy)! I did ramble on a bit, didn’t I? But then I did warn you.
Bonus: The Cyclothymia Workbook (Prentiss Price, PhD)
Well, I did get one other book eventually. Somehow in my research, I was led to ‘cyclothymia’, which could be defined as a lesser form of Bipolar. So I thought I’d research, while still not totally certain that I didn’t have any measure of mood disorder. I thought this might be the best book. As it is, it is a very interesting one. Somehow, and I don’t know what that says about me, I feel that a lot of the topics touched upon, and coping strategies, could be applied to most people. There’s a very interesting chapter explaining CBT, and lots of tools and methods (creating Mood Charts, etc.), that I might not do but could have done perhaps if I’d got this book earlier, because it’s typically the types of things I like to observe: moods changes, influence of various situations, alcohol etc. on it, reactions etc. I genuinely feel that a lot of these tools and strategies are kind of human psychological common sense, rather than only applicable in the case of cyclothymia. Somehow I feel I am applying some of the strategies, through all I’ve learnt and my own crises and evolution. Do I suffer from cyclothymia? I doubt it. Not that I have been diagnosed anyway, and I am thinking I will write a page or two on the blogs section on my own mental health crises/evolution, which may be the hardest pages to write (harder than the whole of this one even, perhaps), but either way there is no doubt that I have had depressive times/phases, and likely hypomanical ones too (December 2001 springs to mind, but more recently too), though maybe too short to qualify, and mostly too ‘controlled’ too. Possibly I have a little of that, but yeah, it’s mostly under control now, though not without paradox as I’m kind of stopping myself from being too enthusiastic at times, it’s not always that great. Either way, this is a very interesting book, whether you suffer from Cyclothymia or not, I’d say, definitely worth a mention here.